In the beginning it’s fine. You are 12 years old, 15 or maybe a little more, you could have been less like I was. Either way, whatever age, it’s fine because it’s early days, the damage only just starting to accumulate but what does it matter? You are young enough to believe that the body… Continue reading Don’t Go Down Like That
I knew when I entered treatment the last time, when I had withered my body away to the point where it was beginning to fail again, that if I did not recover then there was a good chance that eventually I would not make it. I also knew or had this feeling that this time… Continue reading Wait…I didn’t mean to
Today I went for an assessment with a mental health team. It’s not something that I particularly wanted but my GP thought it was a wiser option instead of continuing to ignore all that is going on. I’m not sure what I was expecting because in truth I don’t think I had any expectations. I had… Continue reading Assessment Outcome
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. It’s not that I haven’t felt the need to, it’s just I didn’t really know what to say anymore. Reflection felt too painful, as though if I went there then maybe I wouldn’t be able to leave it again. I’m still worried about that writing this. Yet I… Continue reading What Doesn’t Help
I am trying to learn how to trust my body again and wondering if I can after all that I put it through. It would be a fair assessment that over the years I have demanded a lot from it. I expected it to keep my heart beating, my blood circulating and my brain functioning… Continue reading Fitness in Recovery
They said it would get easier. That if I just gave it time then eventually I would learn how to get used to it. The truth is though that this body I now live in feels more alien than I can ever articulate. I keep waiting for the hate to lessen and the gratitude to… Continue reading It’s not yet tolerable
Do you ever think it gets to the point where you start seeing the weight gain as life being put back into you rather than just being fat? I have been trying to get to this body that I have now which is healthy yet it seems that no matter how long I try for,… Continue reading Save Yourself
We live in a world which is completely immersed in diet culture. We think about it, talk about it, shame ourselves into thinking we should follow it. It’s on TV, in magazines, on the internet. It’s in our workplaces and schools. Despite the rise in obesity, we have never been more fixated on minimising ourselves… Continue reading Eating Disorders, Diet Culture and Body Image
A while back before my first time in treatment, I was entirely unaware of what I was doing to body. I had convinced myself that what I was doing and feeling was perfectly fine. I normalised the skipped heartbeats, the aches and the constant feeling of coldness. I came to believe that everyone saw stars… Continue reading Does it end here?
It’s possible I’m experiencing random manic mini breakdowns every now and again lately. I’m not sure what comes over me but suddenly feel this need to be a certain way, overcompensate with the smiles so that no one can quite figure out how much I’m hurting inside. It’s not ideal and I think I may… Continue reading Simplicity?