It’s not been a good day. In fact no day has been good for a while. I’m not quite sure what is happening to me anymore, the only thing I am aware of is the sinking sensation that doesn’t seem to want to disappear. Every day when something is asked of me, when I have… Continue reading I Can’t
In the beginning it’s fine. You are 12 years old, 15 or maybe a little more, you could have been less like I was. Either way, whatever age, it’s fine because it’s early days, the damage only just starting to accumulate but what does it matter? You are young enough to believe that the body… Continue reading Don’t Go Down Like That
I knew when I entered treatment the last time, when I had withered my body away to the point where it was beginning to fail again, that if I did not recover then there was a good chance that eventually I would not make it. I also knew or had this feeling that this time… Continue reading Wait…I didn’t mean to
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. It’s not that I haven’t felt the need to, it’s just I didn’t really know what to say anymore. Reflection felt too painful, as though if I went there then maybe I wouldn’t be able to leave it again. I’m still worried about that writing this. Yet I… Continue reading What Doesn’t Help
They said it would get easier. That if I just gave it time then eventually I would learn how to get used to it. The truth is though that this body I now live in feels more alien than I can ever articulate. I keep waiting for the hate to lessen and the gratitude to… Continue reading It’s not yet tolerable
My head space got worse. It felt like I was sinking into something that felt familiar and normal. The most terrifying part though was how I didn’t care. Out of nowhere I had this sudden narrow minded drive of wanting to make myself less and being completely uninterested in the consequences or damage that I… Continue reading It got loud
It’s fair to say that I am having a pretty awful day, which is something considering that it’s not even lunch time and I haven’t left the house yet. So far I have cancelled my trip to the doctors to have my weight and blood tests done, gone through a ridiculous amount of outfit changes… Continue reading What’s it trying to tell me?