Today it feels as though the life has been drained out of me and I no longer have anything left. This sensation has been one that has hit me in waves over the last several months but if truth be told it is becoming stronger as I am getting weaker. I want to be better but the belief in my ability to do so is waning. My world has become so small, confined mostly to my home and on the days that I do drag myself out of the house and make myself interact with society in general, it leaves me feeling depleted in the days that follow. I think this is why I am beyond tired today. Over the last few days I have tried so hard to be like my old self, step out, see my family and a couple of friends. I have attempted to laugh, even had an honest conversation with my sister about how much I don’t want this life anymore but feel bound within the grips of Anorexia. I have hung out in the sunshine in my parents garden and blown bubbles with my nephew. There were moments of genuine contentment but it has come at a cost. Today, just moving my aching body has taken energy that I have not had to give. On top of it, I had a lunchtime appointment with a member of my treatment team and although I should be proud of achieving something, all I feel is shame, discomfort and the knowledge that repeating whatever I have done today consistently is unlikely to happen. It’s like I’ve crawled into this hole and figuring out how to climb out of it is like playing one of those escape room games. I don’t have the mental stamina or resolve to even string the clues together to know how to begin. Why did I let this happen again?
When I first sought help a few months ago, I really thought I could fix it. I didn’t believe that things were this far gone or I was this stuck and perhaps at the time they weren’t. Perhaps had I started then, then I would have stood a fighting chance. Now I have become this empty, bordering self-pitying human like thing that I do not like very much. I feel so unbelievably ashamed of myself that the only way I know how to deal with that is to close myself down, to become numb and unfeeling. I want this to end, not me, not my life but this disorder, this person who it turns me into who isn’t really me at all.
I hope your day has been kind to you.