As I wrote yesterday, I’ve started treatment with a community team so I thought I would explain what that entails. It is a little bit more intensive than your regular outpatient experience. I have a lead nurse, dietician, health support worker and therapist.
My lead nurse is the one that oversees all of my treatment and coordinates my care. He checks in that I am having my blood work done, queries my progress and ultimately is supposed to offer some form of motivational counselling of sorts. If I am honest, he is at best ineffective at this point. He is not a bad guy but he is one that I have not been able to establish a rapport with at all. He struggles to pick up what I am trying to say or the way that I am engage with people and I too in return find it difficult to comprehend or find anything slightly helpful in either what he says or his approach. I know that I should say something, perhaps request an alternative nurse but the thing is that I am not sure that there is anyone else. The services that are on offer in the UK are so limited that despite how I feel, there is little to be done about changing him.
The dietician as I am sure you’re aware is the one that constructs my meal plan. I have had her on my team in the past and despite my initial reservations, things are going ok with her. She seems to an extent to understand the barriers that I am facing and the anorexic thoughts which become too loud to drown out.
The health support worker is the one that carries out practical sessions with me which are to do with implementing changes to my meal plan, preparing meals, eating and eventually down the line going out to eat. So far I’ve only had one session with her but I like her I think. She’s nice, has an understanding and seems to be able to find the balance between pushing enough but not making me go beyond my limits.
The therapist that I have been seeing is an art therapist. We’ve had three sessions so far which were for the purpose of assessing what I need and how helpful therapy may be. I have my reservations about therapy because it doesn’t seem like I have anything left to talk about or even aspects of my disorder that I no longer understand. However, having never actually done art therapy before, I am prepared to keep an open mind about it and give it a go. She’s actually pretty decent and fairly easy to talk to.
So I have various professionals involved in my care now and I see them weekly or fortnightly depending on what’s going on and their role. Some weeks when I see all of them within the week it can feel quite overwhelming whereas other weeks, I may only see my nurse. The weeks where I have less contact feel more comfortable to me but that might be because to the disordered part of my brain it feels less threatening.
This morning I saw my nurse and as always there was awkwardness and if I was currently my usual self, I’m sure I would have found the appointment frustrating. However, as it turns out, I once again walked away feeling like there was little point to the time that we had just spent together. He did tell me that they had had a meeting this week and my lack of progress had been noted and discussed. He mentioned the possibility of going inpatient again and yet it is something that I cannot quite comprehend. Sometimes I think it would be better to go in, rip the Band-Aid off so to speak and at least get the initial refeeding out of the way in that type of environment. The thing is though that whenever I think of the ward, the rules and the expectations, interrupting my life one more time, I shudder internally and my brain cannot compute it. I don’t want to go back there. The other thing that came up was about my readiness to change. Logically, that assumption angered me but there was actually no feeling behind it. My readiness to change has been there since the new year and I finally agreed to be referred because I felt broken. My readiness to change did not factor in the months I would spend on the waiting list, experiencing this disorder and watching it becoming further entrenched. I am ready but I am just so unbelievably tired purely trying to survive that I have nothing left to make myself truly implement the changes. It’s not because I don’t want to but because I don’t feel like I can. The community treatment that I am having is still in it’s 8 week assessment phase and I am little -ok a lot – concerned that by the end of my 8 weeks or the 1st August when I have my big meeting with all the professionals they are going to determine that they cannot help at this time and make the decision to discharge me. If that’s the case then I’m not really sure what will happen or what I will do. I have no desire to carry on living the way that I am doing. I also don’t have the stamina for it.
Well, that’s how the land lies at the moment. It’s just about getting up each day and trying to meet it with something that will allow me to move forward rather than remaining stuck where I am.
I hope your day has been kind to you.