I didn’t expect to come back to this blog. I thought I was done. Thought for the most part that I was over this twisted relationship that I had with Anorexia even if it seemed that it was not ready to let go of me. I honestly thought that if I just stepped away, stopped giving it the attention that it needed to thrive than just like a flame deprived of oxygen it would eventually be extinguished. I forgot that that isn’t how this disorder works. I forgot that the less I acknowledged it, the stronger it would grow until it flourished and struck with such a strength that I no longer had the means to overcome it.
I wrote 8 months ago that the disorder was pulling me under again and yet despite a reluctant acknowledgement of its presence, I retreated, throwing myself into the final year of my degree. I knew on some level it was getting worse but refused to believe that I would ever let it own me entirely again. I was arrogant to believe that I knew what I was doing. I was walking a fine line but I was on the right side of that line. I lied to the people around me, building walls to keep them a safe distance so that they wouldn’t see the cracks in my armour or the holes in my stories. I wonder at what point that those lies stopped being driven by me and instead became the product of a brain becoming increasingly riddled with Anorexia. As winter ended, the truth was becoming harder to avoid and as I balanced studying with staying alive, something broke and the lies came tumbling out. I confessed to an extent, dressing it up as nicely as I could as a slip rather than a relapse. I can pretend that I was fooling people but the reality as I see it now was that the only person I was fooling was myself. After a somewhat tearful midnight confessional to my mum, I agreed to be referred back to the Eating Disorder Unit. I had the assessment at the end of February, dismissed suggestions of inpatient care and agreed to be put on a waiting list for community care. At the end of May, final assignments and dissertation completed, I made it to the top of the waiting list. In a way the timing worked out well for me as it meant that I did not have to juggle uni with the demands of treatment. Unfortunately in those months of waiting the disorder had infiltrated everything. I had been writing myself out of my own life, too tired to engage in very much and as the disorder reduced my body, it was also reducing my life. The motivation I had back when I agreed to be referred was lessening, the belief in my abilities to overcome becoming weaker as the days passed until it brought me here…
Here then is…pain. Here is weakness, tiredness, naps and no social life to speak of. Here is an inability to make even the smallest of changes to my meal plan and hating myself for not doing it but also hating myself for the things that I have done. Here is shame and apathy, depression and thoughts that if I have to live much longer the way that I am doing then what is the point? Here is existing and being disappointed in myself that that is all I seem to be capable of right now. Here for the most part is a blankness where not even words can be formulated by me or reach me. I am disappearing but every fibre of my being is trying to hold on to something because despite how much I swing between pain and emptiness, I have a life that is one that I want to get back to. I have a good life. I have a family who I matter to and friends I adore and a future filled with dreams that I am only just beginning to make a reality. I’m not sure what my next move is but I know that as long as I keep tying to do it alone and in silence, it’s not going to get me very far. I have a treatment team now and for the most they are good but I don’t know if they are a match for the Anorexia’s strength right now. I don’t know if I am match for it. It’s only been a few weeks though so maybe I just need to give it more time, find more energy, fight even though it doesn’t seem like I have anything to give. I left it too long. I let my stubbornness and ego get in the way. It is my fault and now I have to figure a way to fix it because I will not live life like this. I cannot.
I hope these last months have been kind to you.