My grasp on time is slowly slipping away, as the days pass they begin to seem to blur into one. Differentiating between what happened yesterday and what happened 5 days ago can seem impossible most of the time. My days are taken up by the same thoughts, struggles and uncertainties that make me consider how I do it repeatedly, continue to wake up, continue to live a life that I’m not happy with, continue to live in general. Did I really do it again? Did I put myself back in a box and rebuild the walls after I had gone to such painstaking lengths to dismantle them? I trapped myself in and now it seems as though I am waiting for something although I’m not entirely sure what that is. I play around with the idea of permission but that doesn’t feel quite right. I think it’s possible though that what I am waiting for and what I’ve always been waiting for is the day that I wake up and find that my head is quiet. The Anorexia is gone, stripped away in the night.I’m waiting for the day that something or someone says to me that I can stop now. I’m allowed. It’s going to be OK. I don’t have to do this anymore. I can get off. I can stop the cycle of recovery and relapse. I can stop striving for a body and a number that never seems to stop getting lower. I need someone to tell me that I’m allowed to let myself be free, that whatever punishment I keep trying to inflict on myself has gone far enough now, I have no more sins that I have to make up for, no more apologies that I need to hand out. That person doesn’t really exist though because that person is probably Anorexia itself if we personify it and I suppose what I really want/need to hear from it is “You’ve done what I’ve asked, you’ve paid the price, you’ve stood should to shoulder with me long enough and done the time that I needed you to do. You can go now and I will let you go. I will not put up anymore fights or protests. The door is open, walk through it”. If only it was that simple. If only the disorder was that forgiving and understanding.
This morning, after longer than I should have left it, I went to see my doctor. There was the acknowledgement that yes everything is slowing down and that I am not in the best place at the moment. We talked for a while, he reiterating himself a few times in the assertion that I am not a failure for struggling like this. He so genuinely wants to fix things whilst keeping the the power within my hands and a toy with the idea of wanting this to be over, to be well and yet fear has kept me saying no to this suggestions. I am afraid and I feel hopeless and luckily I don’t need to articulate that for him to get it because he just does. Ultimately want he wants is me to have longer term therapy and also he wants to refer me back again to the eating disorder unit for outpatient support. I eventually said yes to the first but still no to the second. I can’t quite seem to bring myself to be able to go back there, to that way of being, the weigh ins and the meal plans and the talking about what I can and can’t eat. So he’s going to do the referral for the therapy, I have to go back and see him in two weeks, I also have to think about whether I will let him refer me to the ED services and also get my bloods done.
I can’t unravel any further. It’s not an ideal time.
I hope your day is kind to you.