This morning my brain worked with me. I got that spark, that buzzing energy that comes when you have all these thoughts spilling out of you and one idea leads to another. It was wonderful to experience that when for so long things have just been bland and empty. I had a meeting with my dissertation supervisor to discuss obviously my dissertation. It went well and the hour flew by. There is so much work to do, so much to think about and yes it is a daunting undertaking but I am looking forward to it. I have been slightly concerned as are most people who know that I am knee deep in a relapse about the impact this year is going to have on me but that dissipated today somewhat. I know I can do this now. I know I won’t let my own mess become tangled up in what I have to do. For those of you who don’t know my chosen topic is around Eating Disorder Recovery so that gives you at little bit of context for the anxiety but it should be OK. My supervisor is aware of things to an extent. I had to tell him when I saw him last week because he has a responsibility in regards to my welfare and I didn’t want to put him in an awkward position. There was basically a lot of me saying, this is happening but I am fine. I lost count of the number of times I said the word fine. He did say today that he was really worried about it, me…but I think or I hope that worry has been eased a little. I don’t like being worried about, I’m not a fan of how exposed it makes me feel and probably accountable. I think it creates this expectation that you have to do something to make them feel better about the situation and that means reengaging in recovery or lying. I’m not in the position where I can make that commitment to engage. Despite how amazing this morning was, there is nothing in me that makes me think that I can do it. There is nothing that makes me think that I want to do. I get that that is a really shitty thing to say. The grip of Anorexia gets tighter everyday and in truth the only thing that I am capable of doing to an extent is stopping it get any worse. All I can do is stop myself from going to that place of complete starvation. I just can’t make myself find the energy to move forward. I’m not sure what that’s about.
We all know Eating Disorders serve a range of purposes. They mean different things to different people and that can change all the time. It might mean one thing one day and the next it could mean something else. I’m not sure what the purpose of Anorexia is this time. The only thing that I can logically suggest is that maybe it has become so ingrained and rooted in how I function and live that to do the opposite it feels unnatural and requires a persistent level of effort that I don’t always have. Even to me that sounds like a bit of a cop out though. Of course I would love to wake up and it’s all gone. The anxiety and fears, the second guessing and the panic, the messed up beliefs and sabotage attempts of my mind to think of multiples of reasons why I can’t eat x, y or z. Sometimes I think if I could just go back, even to 6 years ago and make myself pay attention, to stop what I was doing then maybe everything would have been simpler. I know the wishful thinking will not get me anywhere though. I know the only way to change anything is to actually change. I really just can’t. There are days when I wake up thinking I will challenge something…anything and when it comes to it, I don’t. Fear wins every time and I do not have the strength to make myself rise up above it. I guess I’m simply a weak person. The only thing that is good for me right now is Uni, is my classes, is filling my head up with as much academic content as I can so I don’t have to think about this. It’s wrong and probably won’t lead anywhere good but it’s all I have right now.