Recovery is a big thing. It is turning the life that you have known for however long completely upside down. It’s unlearning and relearning things that most people have figured out by the time they have stepped out of that time we call childhood. There are so many things that it holds that as much as you want to, you can’t prepare for. It is stepping into an unknown land and not knowing if what you will find there is something you want. The process will be brutal and to some extent you may already have an idea of that, but the reality is something that could be worse. Recovery is terrifying, frightening, paralysing and a whole range of other words which pretty much sum up the same thing. However if I have learnt one thing throughout the last few years of being in and out of recovery, it is this: Do not be afraid of it.
Yes it will change your life and yes it will hurt. Recovery is neither pretty nor pleasant. In the beginning it is ugly, physically and mentally it breaks you, then as time goes by, as your body heals, it continues to beat against you mentally and emotionally. Yet I tell you not to be afraid of it because recovery is a transient state, it is not permanent, it will not be so intolerable forever. Living with the illness though, that is something to fear. It stops everything and I don’t just mean that eventually it stops your organs from functioning or your brain from being able to think clearly or rationally. I mean it stops those things that make up who you are. Those quirks to your personalities, your ambitions, desires and motivations fade into the background, until you no longer know if they were ever real or just a figment of your imagination. In time it won’t even matter because you just won’t care. That apathy is also something to fear, it is apathy not hate that will kill you when it comes to this disorder. As it gets towards the end, there is no energy for hate, not even for yourself anymore.
If you must fear something, fear not getting out, fear spending every second that you have left on earth living with this thing of inside of you, fear losing, fear not having the life that you dreamed on having when you were kid.
Do not, I beg of you, fear the thing that will save you. Do not fear the thing that will bring you back. Do not fear recovery.
I hope your day has been kind to you.