I thought about starting this post with the words that I am trying, but let’s be brutal here, I’m not trying. If I was trying then maybe things wouldn’t have gone to shit again. If I was trying I wouldn’t be telling lies or hiding or avoiding the people in my life. If I was trying I would care enough to do something about this damn situation. If I was trying I would accept the help that people seem to want to give me. If I was trying then I might stand a chance. But I’m not and the only excuse I have for why I am not is that I am tired. I am tired and that’s it. I could think of some other words that I may expect myself to be, such as frustrated or angry or heartbroken but they don’t seem to apply anymore. I am simply tired.
I attempted to figure out today when all of this happened and I couldn’t. The problem with this disorder is that it is so quiet and insidious that you don’t even realise that it’s encased you again until there seems to be no chance of escape, until it is undeniably screaming in your face. Sometimes I wonder that even if I did get through this, if by some miracle I found some renewed energy to try, will this backwards and forwards all my life ever be? This sense of management and failures and not knowing what the point is. I know there is more to life than this. I know that a number on a scale doesn’t mean shit, and that my worth is not dependant on either my shape or size. I know there is no safety in Anorexia, no answers or logic or hope. I also know that it will not make my happy. I know that no matter what weight I get to, I still won’t be enough and I will continue to be too much. There is more beyond this disorder, there is friends and family, there is a future and a life, there is laughter and falling in and out of love. There are birthdays and celebrations and triumphs. There are mountains to climb and countries to visit and people to help. I know all this exists once outside the reach of Anorexia’s grip but it is that grip that I cannot wiggle free from and that my friends is what makes me so very tired. The expectation to live for all that is great in this world and the inability to rise up and meet it.
I hope your day has been kind to you.