I have spent most of the day trying to get some work done and for the most part it’s been fairly successful. I restarted a book on Social Constructionism which for the third year running is on my reading list. I seem to always get halfway through and abandon it but this time I am determined the finish the entire thing! I also started reading through my notes and trying to have some decent thoughts in regard to my dissertation. I feel mostly daunted by the whole process and what the year will bring but I don’t think I’m alone in that. Most third years are going to feel the pressure at some point and the fact that I have stupid high expectations just adds a touch more to it. I don’t want to just pass, I’m aiming for a 1st because that has been all that I have gotten (except for one paper) in everything that I have written in since I started studying. It would hurt to get anything less than that. This afternoon I had a workshop to go to about the dissertation and I suppose this is where my win of the day comes in. I actually talked to people. I interacted like a normal human being which shouldn’t be hard but at the moment it is. It was made easier because they mostly talked about their summers and what they have coming up. I nodded and smiled in all the right places. I’m not going to lie, it was knackering but it made me step out of this bubble that I’ve put myself in, even if just for a while. Logically I know that that is a good thing even if it doesn’t feel like it.
The lose though was of course about food. The fear is mounting and so today I thought I should challenge something. It is something that I used to consider safe, that I ate everyday and nutritionally is pretty nonthreatening. I planned to do it at lunchtime, I was ready and I was feeling capable. Lunchtime came and so I prepped what I was having, putting the challenge food on a separate plate and sat down to eat. I got through the meal that I made relatively in one piece and then came the challenge…and I just couldn’t. It sat and stared at me and I stared back, feeling myself crumbling into pieces as more time passed. I had so many thoughts crashing through my mind from “I don’t know what that will do to my body” to “something bad will happen if I eat that” needless to say I lost the most important thought amongst all that, which was the thought that I could do it. After 20 minutes, I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I threw it out, too scared to even touch it with my hands and then did the dishes. It was so pathetic. I have to decide whether to try again tomorrow and I honestly don’t know if I can. I was alone today and so I used that as an excuse, that if something bad did happen then no one would be around to help. Yet I know that if I was to be with other people who don’t know about these fears then I would feel like an idiot and wouldn’t want to do it in front of them because then I’d have to pretend that I was fine and not about to have a panic attack. I wouldn’t want them to see me unravelling or that food still has this much power over me. The final option would be to do it with people who get this but there are so few and possibly only a couple who know the true extent. Of course I then go back to thinking what’s the point? Why am I even trying? I don’t need variety. I think the truth is as more things leave my diet, I’m a little concerned that eventually I will be down to very few items that I can tolerate. I know that that is not a sustainable way to live and as powerful as this disorder is right now, as shit as I feel all the time, I still need to live and be able to.
Mixed day but it’s fine because there was some productivity in there.
I hope your day has been good to you.