I keep expecting to wake up and find that my world has righted itself in the night. I expect for things to go back to how they were when although they may not have been brilliant, they were fine. Instead I wake up each morning and it feels worse than the day before. Another dip in my mood, another thing to be anxious about, another food that has been dropped from the allowable list. If I didn’t know better than I would think that there can’t be much further to fall, but I do know better and I know that pit that I’m sliding down into is actually endless.
Yesterday was my first real day back at Uni. I have been looking forward to it, getting back to some sort of normality and structure for me but goodness it was hard. By the end of the day all I could wonder was how the hell am I going to get through this year. It looked something like this:
- Wake up after barely sleeping throughout the night
- Force myself to get ready and to have breakfast
- Walk to campus and into class
- Avoid conversation, eye contact and sit at the back discreetly
- Go to the library then struggle through a lunch that made me feel like I was choking
- Back to another class, avoid conversation, eye contact and feel exhausted from saying one sentence out loud
- Go home, cry, fall into some sort of nap that I kept waking up from every 5 minutes
- Pick my brother up from the other side of the city to take him to his class, wait, take him home, come home myself
I was so tired by the end of it, near broken and it was just one day! I felt uncomfortable the entire time as I tried to manoeuvre my way around all the freshers and society stalls. Too much which translated into me being too much.
Today wasn’t much better. The only thing I had to do was go to a meeting with my personal tutor to discuss my plans for my dissertation. My subject that I decided pre-summer and I guess pre-relapse is centred around Eating Disorders and Recovery. Despite all that’s going on, I still want to do it because I think it could turn out to be a really good piece of work, even if it does shatter me in the process. My tutor told me that I had to be aware of some things, one of them being how I emotionally handle the process. I was honest against my better judgement and said that this project may be a little harder than I thought it was going to be now. He’s aware of my history and everything, so I said very clumsily that things are not great yet I’m fine but some professional help is being put in to place in regards to my mood but I declined the Eating Disorder service help. It felt very awkward and I am largely inarticulate lately. As soon as I said anything I regretted it…not because of his reaction as he’s lovely but I felt too exposed. The thing is I felt I had to be truthful because I am aware he has a responsibility within this and I am not prepared to lie to him and put him in a difficult position. I don’t want to talk to him about it or me or any emotional stuff though, he just needs to be kept in the loop as to how things are. He did for a moment look unsure and slightly panicked but I told him not to be because ultimately working on this project is my choice. We then got kicked out of the room we were in by the next class so left it quite awkwardly and as soon as I walked away, I felt like shit and wanted to take it back. He wants to meet next week and I can’t avoid him because he is my tutor and also my dissertation supervisor. It’s going to be a challenging year I think and all I want is to get through it, get my work done, get my degree and do it all as invisibly as possible. I don’t want people to see me like this.
I do realise that lately I have been using this space to essentially moan about everything and I want to apologise for that. I keep thinking I should write something that has some meaning to it, something I can get behind and believe in again in regards to recovery but I’m just not there. That inspiration in myself is lacking and so is the energy to fake it for you guys. So I am sorry, unfortunately I guess this is an unwanted but a realistic part of recovery, the bit where it all gets blown up and you have to figure out if you can survive it, if you know enough and have learnt enough to be not give in entirely. At this point, I don’t know.
I hope your day has been kind to you.