The days feel heavy and shapeless. I am lost and I don’t know how to find my back. I have barely left the house in three days because I couldn’t figure out how to function alongside the rest of the world. This isn’t me anymore and I’m not sure when it so spectacularly changed. Today I had hours to kill and so I ended up reading through some of my old blog posts. Can you believe this has been up for around three years? I didn’t actually go that far back but did go back far enough to a time when I wanted recovery more than I’d wanted anything else in my life. When it was this thing that I thought I was strong enough to achieve. There were so many reasons why I wanted it, what it would mean, how much it would mean. I really thought I would do it. Now all I have is this sense of being defeated and I wonder where that strength went? Something has gone from me, extinguished and who knows how you get that back. I’m so done with trying to keep on going because that’s what is expected of me. I can’t keep doing it. I flip between being heartbroken and not giving a damn at all, wanting to sleep till its over. I guess I’m just not the person that I thought I was, that everyone else thought I was. I’m simply a failure.