Today I went for an assessment with a mental health team. It’s not something that I particularly wanted but my GP thought it was a wiser option instead of continuing to ignore all that is going on. I’m not sure what I was expecting because in truth I don’t think I had any expectations. I had this belief that they would turn around and say that things were fine, manageable and that they didn’t feel like it would be appropriate for me to be under the care. Maybe that was in fact what I was hoping for. It didn’t work out that way and now I am trying to figure out how I feel about it all. The nurse who assessed me has decided that it would be good for me to have their input for a while and although he needs to discuss it with his team, he wants to interrupt this before it leads to a place that is even harder for me to come back from. He was nice, had some similar views and seemed receptive to me not wanting to go on medication or get the eating disorder team involved just yet. I guess the point is that he listened to what I wanted and when I didn’t know what I wanted, guided me towards some options.
As I said I’m not sure how I feel about all this. I didn’t want to go back to being a patient, to having to sit in rooms and pick apart what I think or feel. It’s more comfortable for me to sweep that shit under the carpet and pretend it’s not real. Yet equally I don’t want my mood to get so terrible that those random little thoughts of ‘it might be better if I’m not here’ become actual thoughts of not wanting to be here at all. I can’t go back to that place. I barely made it back the last time.
There is also a tremendous amount of guilt and unworthiness of needing help. I’m not sure I deserve it and then I think about all the people who can’t access it, who most definitely need it more than me and it’s rubbish. I’m so ambivalent about all this and yet there are people banging their heads against walls as they struggle to have someone listen to them. I have this friend who continuously gets poor care, whose been on a waiting list for what is being offered to me now for months. It doesn’t feel very fair. Of course I’m sure there is always more going on then what I know, that they will have their reasons but still…the guilt sits with me. I think also it’s the fact that I don’t see myself as unwell this time. Yea things are messed up and I’m struggling and I can’t work out how I am going to get out of this but I keep telling myself it’s not that bad. I’m not sure if that’s true though or if I’m saying it to protect myself. Not the unwell bit because I’m not but the it’s not that bad bit…
In all honesty I’m not sure I am thinking anything good about the outcome of this assessment. I don’t feel relieved or hopeful or that things are going to be OK. I’m just numb and ridiculously tired. I have to work out how I keep going when just the thought of speaking a sentence out loud is draining.
So help is being arranged and the nurse wants it to happen sooner rather than later. I won’t know what that looks like exactly until next week after their meeting. I hate this you know…I hate that I’m here hating again.
I hope your day has been kind to you.