I have been fighting my eating disorder – sometimes not always actively – for the last 4 years now. 4 years and although I am better in some ways, it’s still there. It still takes up too much space and repeatedly I keep coming back to the thought that maybe I need to just stop. Stop fighting, stop believing that there is something that exists beyond it and simply let it just be. I feel as though I have gone as far as I can go and my exhaustion is overwhelming. This disorder has taken so much from me but I don’t have the energy required to stop it from taking anymore so I am not sure where that leaves me. I don’t want my entire life to come crashing down around me again like I know it will the moment I say “I give in” but it also feels kind of inevitable. Maybe that just comes from how long I have lived with Anorexia. We have shared a body and a mind for too long. Every year that passes, breaks me down a little bit more and instead of moving away consistently, I swing backwards and forwards, always believing that lie which promises this time will be different. It’s silly because no matter how much knowledge I have intellectually, somewhere deep inside of me is the conviction that the lie is actually truth and this time it will be different, better and I will stay in control. I set my little BMI limits for how low I will let it go and as I plough through them, I change my mind. Set it lower and tell myself it’s fine because my initial thought was too high anyway. It’s becoming unbearably twisted.
I was supposed to spend this summer getting stronger, pulling away as much as I could from this type of destruction. These last few months though have not exactly turned out according to plan. Everything got so messed up internally and externally. I was trying to swim whilst I remained anchored to something unmovable so all I did in the end was tire myself out. Maybe this is the drowning bit, the too tired to care bit, the who gives a shit bit…I don’t even have the energy to get lost in the thought of how pathetic I am. When I don’t have to put on my song and dance act of everything is fine, I feel numb and hollowed out. It’s like something has withered up inside of me and at first I refused to notice it, by the time I did that thing was no longer salvageable. I go back to Uni in a couple of weeks. I go back to a dissertation that is focused on Eating Disorders and I wonder how I am going to pull it off. I am not afraid of losing more of myself to the disorder in the process, I’m afraid of being this enormous hypocrite as I talk and talk about all things recovery and yet be unable to convince myself that any of it is true. I’m also kind of terrified of walking into my lecture on that first day and people figuring out that I am carrying this secret all over again. There is no way of them actually knowing when I think of it logically but paranoia doesn’t need to be logical, does it? In truth though I can’t wait to go back though because I have missed it. I’ve missed my classes and learning and challenging my brain with arguments and theories that can be debated for days.
It is such a sad time right now and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep myself standing.
I hope your day has been kind to you.