This week hasn’t felt great. Some of it’s me feeling a little out of step, or like I’m drowning and as though I am waiting for someone is going to figure out how I have no idea what I’m doing so they can call me out. My confidence has taken a knock to the extent that I feel incapable of creating a coherent thought and when I try to speak out loud, I stumble on the worlds. It’s not ideal for when I have meetings and classes to work my way through. Apparently it’s normal for those who are extremely anxious, something about the brain being too overwhelmed by the anxious thoughts that it prevents those higher functioning systems such as language or memory. My Doctor is full of fun facts like this in his attempts to make me feel better about the situation. I would say that it helps. I guess the anxiety is coming from partially the medication tapering but I don’t think that’s all. I’m not really sure if I’m honest, everything is a little bit tangled up lately. Food, anxiety, little mood dips, random intrusive thoughts that tell me to do stupid things that I don’t want to do (also apparently normal). What’s more is that my deadlines are fast approaching and I’m so close to the finish line. I have two papers left, one should be done by tomorrow. Then that’s it. My summer break begins and I will have nothing to distract me from the horribleness of this medication thing which will be continuing for another couple of months at least. I’m a little concerned that food is getting harder. It’s effort to eat, or more of an effort than usual. I’d forgotten largely what it felt like to force myself when it’s the last thing I want to do. I’m telling myself it’s because my body is confused and unhappy with me right now but I’m not really sure that accounts for the thoughts. Then again the thoughts never really went away, did they? I figured though that I can suck it up though and keep going. Ride this out. This has an end point. This doesn’t last forever. I just have to keep telling myself that.
I don’t really have the energy to add anything more tonight but wanted to just check in.
I hope your day is been kind to you.