Anxiety has been fluttering inside of me for most of today. It started this morning pretty much as soon as I opened my eyes. It didn’t even have the decency to wait for me to have coffee! I don’t think that it helps that I have begun the process of tapering off my medication with the hope of stopping it once my May deadlines have been met. Physiologically a lot of things are flaring up as part of the withdrawal process and as much as I can rationalise most of them, there are ones which freak me out a little. The main one being a tingling sensation I get in my mouth and lips, which today has led to itchiness in my throat. It’s not painful or particularly annoying, it’s just feels weird so it’s hard not to become fixated on it. It doesn’t feel like a normal withdrawal symptom but then again, I’ve never tried to come off these meds before so what do I know?
I have been planning on going through this process for about a year now. It was important that it was the right time both for me mentally and also at a time when it would least disrupt my studies. I was going to do it last summer but somehow how got oddly manipulated and threatened into staying on them so that put a stop to that idea. So despite my excessive anxiety lately, I wanted to go ahead. I have been on medication for around 10 years. That’s a long time to not give yourself a break and see if the meds are actually working or whether I have simply developed better mechanisms for dealing with my moods/thoughts. As an adult, my brain has always had chemicals thrown at it. Can you imagine that? To not know what you’re adult brain actually functions like on it’s own. I’m sure some of you know exactly what I am talking about. I don’t know if this is going to work. It might turn out that really my adult brain should not be un-medicated and if that’s the case then so be it. At least I know…at least I tried. It’s a terrifying but also exciting process. I’ve been very focused on the physical side of what it’ll mean. Will I be horribly ill with nausea or dizzy? Will I have splitting headaches or random muscle pains? The potentials are endless. Through all that there isn’t much space left to think about what I might emotionally go through. I’m not sure if I’d know what to do if as a result my Eating Disorder becomes consuming again. What do I do if my mood crashes, or I can’t stop crying or I feel hopeless? When I think of being that way again it makes me want to stop before I even really begin. Most days I don’t think about the person who I was…pre-anorexia at it’s worst, pre-treatment, pre-any sort of balance or sanity. It was so intense and broken doesn’t come close in describing those years. I was reading through some old notes yesterday and today, trying to figure out my medication history because a lot of it is a blur and to read the things that I wrote was quite damaging. That history, my history it’s just…I don’t even have the words for what it was. I’m not sure I could survive being that person again. I barely survived it that time. To be her now and lose all that I have, to spend every waking minute physically and mentally destroying myself, I couldn’t. I suppose that’s why I have to be really careful and sensible whilst I do this.
So if you notice me going off the deep end a little, you have permission to call me out on that shit.
I hope your day has been kind to you.