A couple of days ago I wrote about my anxiety which has recently been getting steadily worse. It’s not something I ever feel comfortable admitting to because I think that I should be able to control it and admittedly it makes me feel ridiculous. I know that it is nothing to be ashamed about because I’ve spent the last however many years campaigning on this subject, letting people know that it’s ok to be struggling and it doesn’t make you any less of a person. Of course when it comes to me, I am the exception to the rule. We could argue that that is my inflated sense of ego but really it’s just stubborn pride that shouldn’t have a place. My anxiety infuriates, terrifies and exhausts me all at the same time. It’s getting a little out of control.
I’m not a stranger to this difficulty. I remember being in my early teens and it’s presence slamming its way into my life. By 15 I was having panic attacks every day, several times a day and didn’t have the ability to be in a space with more than 5 people. School was very lonely back then as I spent most of my time working in the side room next to the welfare teachers office. Those panic attacks scared me. First my breathing would go and I would begin to hyperventilate, I’d get dizzy and nauseous. My chest would get tight and my heart rate would shoot up. Then my mouth and nose would begin to tingle and eventually that would spread to my arms, hands and feet. When it was really bad my hands would spasm and lock up in some twisted position in front of me. More often than not I would cry. My thoughts would bounce off each so they were impossible to untangle and all I wanted was to run away and make it stop. That went on for a few years and then the intensity receded. I think the depression got to such a point that I didn’t even have the energy to be anxious anymore. It’s something that’s continuously altered over the last decade. Different triggers, presentation and ways to deal with it. The social anxiety lessened but then as the Eating Disorder got worse, it’s like it attached itself to that. Food anxiety, now that was something else entirely. That paralysed me and it was harder to bounce back from. Hours or days would pass with me still obsessing over the thing that I shouldn’t have eaten or the workout that I’d missed. The full blown panic attacks were rarer, this was more a low grade constant anxiety that seeped into everything. It never reached its peak so it could never come back down. If I’m honest, even with treatment, food anxiety is present all the time, I just have to suck it up and get on with it as harsh as that may sound.
So I guess this brings me to now. This round of anxiety started a few months back. I’m not sure what’s kicked it off and if I’m honest, they’ve completely caught me off guard. I don’t have a reason for them to be here. I was hoping they would go as quickly as they came but no such luck, instead the panic attacks have progressed to multiple times a day, every day. I’m not sure what to do with them and I’m kind of a little exhausted. It’s manifesting differently as well. This time my breathing is the only thing that remains stable. Instead I get the dizziness, the tightness in my chest, palpitations, muscle pain, tingling in my mouth, throat and random spots on my face. It feels like there is a lump in my throat and my heart rate beats too fast and too hard. My legs turn to jelly and I get this hot flush which makes me feel faint. Sometimes they last for hours…I saw my GP who prescribed me propanalol (beta-blocker) which I’m too anxious to take. I’m not winning here at all. I’m trying to remain upbeat, I mean it could be worse right? My mood could have gone to hell as well but it’s holding which I suppose is something to be thankful for. My food is getting more restrictive as a response though. My intake is still adequate, my safe list is however dwindling a little too rapidly for my liking. I keep getting this idea in my head that something terrible is going to happen when I eat so it’s a double whammy for my anxiety. It’s hard to deal but I have to deal. What other choice is there? Did I mention I was tired?
Ok so I’ve done the woe is me now. I’m just infuriated with myself at the moment because this is something which is beyond my control. That does not feel fine to me at all.
I hope your day has been kind to you.