I wish that Anorexia was a numbers game. That I could measure its hold on me by looking at my scales and making a judgement by what it beeps back. Perhaps then I could convince myself that this was over. That it no longer has any power over me. Yet despite what is largely believed by much of society, an Eating Disoders strength is not always reflected in the weight of a person. I’ve seen this illness devastate regardless of size.
You know when I chose to recovery, it was because I wanted a fighting chance at creating a life that I was going to be able to be around for. I didn’t expect it to be simple or easy but I thought eventually there would be an end point. Initially it was the weight. I kept thinking that reaching a healthy BMI would unlock something. It was much like the magical thinking that I had when I was unwell. You know the one where you set a goal weight and tell yourself that once you reach it, you’ll stop. It’ll be enough, you’ll be happy, everything will be perfect…Of course, it doesn’t work out that way because pretty quickly you realise that the only number that will ever be acceptable is zero – and no I don’t mean size zero – just zero. Anything more and you’re intolerable. So all I essentially did was reverse my magical thinking. I kept thinking that as I edge closer and closer to healthy, the disordered thoughts would begin to recede. They wouldn’t ambush me anymore and try to drag me under. I was wrong but I wasn’t ready to give up that belief either. I heard that the longer you sustain a healthy weight, the easier it becomes to accept it because eventually you get used to it. I held on to this, thinking that if I just gave it long enough then the distaste that I swallowed down every day would subside and I’d be able to look in a mirror without squirming. Again I was wrong.
It’s been 14 and a half months of weight restoration and it stills feel unnatural. I’m still not sure how I move in this skin and 99% of the time I feel awkward or uncomfortable. Yet most of the time I can hold on to the fact that I wouldn’t change it. Even if I feel horrible most of the time about myself, I don’t have to worry that my body is going to fail. I don’t sway when I stand up. I don’t see stars popping in my vision every time I move. Yes I’m cold still most of the time…but I like in the UK! Our weather is not exactly something to be desired. It’s both good and bad I guess. There are times now though when I crave the oblivion that eating less used to give me. It was how I dealt when everything was too much and I don’t have that now. I can’t say I’m not coping because people don’t need to hear that from me. Everything feels censored, controlled and to me right now, admitting that bit of unrest doesn’t feel ok. My anxiety is getting really out of hand lately and even when I’m chatting about that to my doctor, I have to make a joke or smile through it or minimise it. Sometimes all I want to do is to be able to have a good cry but I haven’t cried in 16 months. There are so many words inside of me lately that I don’t know how to let out so the plan is to start blogging again. To have this space where I can figure them out. I hope that’s ok?
I hope your day has been good to you