Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

It’s not yet tolerable

They said it would get easier. That if I just gave it time then eventually I would learn how to get used to it. The truth is though that this body I now live in feels more alien than I can ever articulate. I keep waiting for the hate to lessen and the gratitude to appear but I’m not sure that it’s coming. It’s getting harder to stay where I am and not see any sense of peace on the horizon. I wonder how much longer I can sustain this and what’s more I worry that it’s getting to the point where I don’t think I want to.

I know it’s been a while since I last wrote a post on here. In fact I haven’t been writing much at all. Part of me thought that by holding on to the quiet, I could keep denying how hard it is to get through my day without turning myself inside out. Yet these last couple of weeks have shaken me a little, not because I’m engaging in behaviours but because it’s getting harder to talk myself out of it. I don’t want to go back to the life that I was living but if I can’t figure out how to carry on living in this body at the size that I am then I don’t know how I can continue. I really wanted to be this positive recovery story but I’m not sure that I am. Yesterday I was at a training event and one of the participants asked me at the end if I thought I would ever be completely recovered or if I will have to learn how to manage it? I considered his question for a while because how do I deliver a story of hope when the truth is that managing is probably the best I could ever hope for? In the end I said something along the lines that I think there will always be elements of the eating disorder that cling on to me but I can accept that. Perhaps that was a lie or a very big stretch of the truth because I’m not sure that I am able to accept it.

Do you know what’s harder still though is that there is hardly anyone I can talk to about this. I have great friends but there is only one that I would trust this information with. Part of it is because I don’t want people to see that I am still struggling and the other part is that on the outside I look fine so therefore there isn’t an issue…at least that’s what people assume. No matter how educated people are, they still think that weight is the indicator for how you’re doing.

I want to not care about it. After all, didn’t I say for so long that all I wanted was a healthy body? That I was prepared to do anything to achieve that no matter how much it hurt me mentally? I just don’t think I realised that this intensity of hate would last this long or be this sharp. Sometimes it feels like a physical pain and I can’t quite catch my breath but I have to keep smiling and acting like it’s all alright. I can barely look in a mirror. Sometimes I don’t even want to watch TV because I get wrapped up in the actresses and how perfect they all look. This has never really been that much of an issue for me. My image has been something that I wanted to erase not change in the years leading up to now. Yet there has been a shift and it’s not that I’m aiming to be pretty or anything like that, I just want to see someone who I find acceptable when I look in the mirror rather than someone who is excessive.

Of course I am trying to fight my way through it logically. I remind myself that no matter what my weight has been in the past, I’ve never been happy with it. Losing weight did not make me like myself even a little bit so what makes me think this time would be any different? The worrying part is that this week I have convinced myself that this time would be different. I could do it, I could lose weight and stay in control and be fine. Is this Anorexia just trying to screw with my head again and find a way back in? Or is it true?

Sometimes I feel so inexplicably empty and wrong and lost that the Eating Disorder does feel like a logical answer to all that. It’s not. I know that.

I start Uni again next week. It’s been a year of waiting for it to begin and I am really looking forward to it. Yet I’m also scared because I want it so badly and it’s never been a good thing for me to want something so much. It has more potential to hurt me. I can’t help but think I’m going to screw up again. I am so tired of doing that. I know that if I want that, if I want my degree and to live me life than I can’t keep running back to the Anorexia. Why is this disorder so damn powerful?

There is no moral to this post. These are random thoughts stringed together in the hope of making myself less confused or accountable somehow.

I don’t know what to do guys. I don’t know how to accept myself, not even a little bit.

I hope your day has been kind to you.

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6 thoughts on “It’s not yet tolerable

  1. “The worrying part is that this week I have convinced myself that this time would be different. I could do it, I could lose weight and stay in control and be fine. Is this Anorexia just trying to screw with my head again and find a way back in? Or is it true?

    My experience is that YOU have not convinced yourself of this, your eating disorder has convinced your recovery of this. I struggle with this immensely still with eating, but I’ve been sober from alcohol for a while, and I’ll tell you it’s similar. And when I think that it might be ok to go out and have a few drinks, that it’s the solution because I know it’ll make me feel better, I recognize that it’s my alcoholism trying to lure me back out. I’ve had 4 years of being sober to learn how to recognize that behavior.

    I’m just a few months into my ED recovery. Disordered thinking does what it can to get what it wants, in my experience. I’ve just started on this road and it is long and arduous, and I experience a lot of the things you’ve shared here. I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I feel empty, and lost, and I go back to bad behaviors, or I just dream about going back to them. I have the knowledge to know better, but I do it anyway.

    I don’t know that I have a strong message of hope here, other than to tell you that you are not alone, and that ed doesn’t have to become the solution again, and that you don’t have to accept yourself today. I don’t accept myself either, not even a little bit. I don’t like myself, I don’t really love myself, I mostly only tolerate myself because I don’t really get to choose. But I’m trying to learn how, and I think you are too. It sounds like a rough day, and I’m sorry you’re struggling. I know you don’t know me, but I’m here if you want to talk. Know that you’re not alone, and that you can do this. Show yourself a little compassion (someone said that to me once and it stuck). Thank you for your honesty.

    1. Your words are so kind and honest. Thank you. I relate so much to what you said and you’re right it doesn’t have to be my solution again. It’s just hard isn’t it? Recovery is difficult but I hope you keep fighting too and I think we all need to practice the compassion thing. Maybe that’s the first step.

  2. I wish I could tell you how long it would take – I would really like to know this myself! What helps me keep going though is knowing that if I do want an ED free life (if it’s managing it or being fully recovered- I don’t have the answer to that either!) then I m going to have to go through this point at some stage. You could go back to losing weight, but when you realise that life like that is not all it’s cracked up to be, you will then have to regain the weight and end up back at this point ,so you might as well push through it now. “The only way out is through”. You’re not alone though, do keep talking about it if it helps, I find it useful which I why I blog! Well done for getting yourself to Uni, that is a great achievement. Will you have some supports there? Take care of yourself.

    1. I love that quote! Thank you. I understand what you’re saying about the losing weight, only then to have to regain it. I suppose that’s one of the things that I try to remember, that refeeding was horrendous and I can’t put my body through that again. I won’t have actual support at Uni but I am going to be fine with that. I like to keep my worlds separate if I can and it’s in my home city.

  3. It feels like you are speaking completely about me! We are so similar, so painfully similar.
    It’s so hard to just exist, to just wake up, to know you aren’t what you used to be because of powers outside of your control.
    I think the thing that hurts the most is always going to be society thinking we are fixed because of our size.

    But screw them. This is a mental illness and if they are too naive to listen, then it isn’t worth trying to teach them (that is what my blog is about though so don’t worry, I’ll never give up!)

    I bet you anything that you look gorgeous. I mean that. Having health is so much better than a skeleton. It’s having life inside you, rather than palpitations and no energy and purple skin. It is all of that that keeps me fighting, (or rather functioning, sorry).
    And it is the same for you. You acknowledge that losing weight again won’t make you happy: you’ll always strive for more, your health will deteriorate and you will gradually fall out of your Uni studies and your life will crumble around you (extreme, but true). Knowing this yourself shows such strength. It shows you fighting for a life that you deserve: of happiness and health. You will get there.
    I’m always here for you, and my Instagram is there too (the same name).

    I love you and your new body! Xx

    1. In a way Glitter Fairy, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone, but equally it saddens me to hear that you have to fight this battle too.
      The physical changes, in terms of the heart palpitations and the absence of the dizziness is something I am trying to hold on to. Intellectually I know how much it pained me but it’s remembering it truly for what it was and not trying to minimise it is the hard part. When things are hard, I have a nasty little habit of thinking things were not that bad.
      You are right though, my life will crumble if I give in to this and I don’t want to keep seeing that happen. It’s happened far too many times before.
      Thank you for your kind words x

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