This last week seems to have gone by in quite a blur. It’s been good but also challenging. There have been things that came up which pushed me out of my comfort zone and it is only now that they are catching up with me. I am feeling all the emotions and anxiety today that I didn’t have time to let myself feel over the last few days. It makes me wonder if there are always going to be consequences when I try to ignore the Eating Disorder and just live my life. Will it always lead back to guilt and loathing?
I was prepared for the Wednesday which was my team away day. We went to the zoo and it was quite an amazing day. We spent hours wandering through the wildlife, marvelling at the Lions and Giraffes. It was fun and needed. Our team has been through so much and it just allowed us all to be around each other as people which was nice because as people we all get on so well. It’s rare that we get to do that and not have our work there to take away our attention. It was the less intense of the days purely because I had planned what I was having for lunch. My main intention for the day was to eat for energy so that history didn’t repeat itself and I would feel strong enough to enjoy the day without feeling the effects of blood sugar crashes. Mostly it worked although admittedly that need I was thankful to be able to stop. Yet as I was staying at my parents house, I didn’t feel like I could relax. It was my home for my entire childhood but I feel a little like a stranger in it sometimes. The reason as I was staying though was because it was my little brothers birthday the next day and we were having a family day out to this theme park/zoo place. In total, there were 15 members of my family there that day. It was nice to catch up with everyone, to see cousins I don’t see that often and spend the day without the external world getting to me. It felt relaxed and again I told myself that I was going to be eating for energy for the day. I would respond to my body and if it needed more than I would give it more. It didn’t quite work out as seamlessly as I hoped. For starters I had less control of the situation because my Mum had bought the food for the day and prepared most of it. By the time we got round to lunch I could tell that it was one of those days where hunger did not exist, my nerves were firmly pushing it down. It took everything I had to eat that meal. I got through, thinking maybe I can be normal but I quickly realised that the way I approach food is so different to everyone else around me. They eat to taste, to satisfy or simply because they want it. They don’t break everything down to carbs and proteins and limitations. They eat until they are full not when their brain tells them that it is wrong to eat anymore. Will my brain ever function like that?
Things kind of went downhill after that. I was distracted but it was still good. Eventually it started to get late, later than I thought we were going to be and I couldn’t work out what that would mean in terms of dinner. As we left the park, My Mum told my siblings to head back to hers as she was buying Pizza for everyone. Great…She asked me what I was going to do and the only thing I could say was I don’t know. As we drove back to theirs, I could feel my body quietly struggling from the amount of walking I had done and the restrictions of lunch. I responded to it but it felt like I was being slapped in the face. Then my Dad told me I shouldn’t snack because that’s why I don’t eat proper meals. Firstly snacking is already ridiculously hard for me an makes me feel a great amount of shame, so it didn’t help things and secondly, I rarely eat with my Dad and he doesn’t know what meals I have. I hate how every time I am with him, he has to pick at this when he has no idea what the picture even looks like. My initial thoughts were to just skip dinner, or count the snack as my dinner. It would be fine…but in a way I knew that was just as wrong as what eating feels. I sucked it up and made something small when I got back to my parents house. I stayed briefly and then headed home. It felt so good to be home.
The consequences are that I want to restrict. The reality is that I know that I won’t or at least not really. There is too much lose and that’s all I can keep telling myself and reminding myself. There is too much to lose. I ran some errands this morning but then stayed of the rest of the day. I think I wanted to hide mostly and rest. Sometimes when my body image is gets too bad I have to withdraw from the world for a little while in order to not act on my thoughts. Sometimes it works, other times not so much. When it doesn’t work do well than I escape in any other way I know how…today that’s been reading. My friend sent me a book earlier in the week called Hope and Other Luxuries. It has drawn me in fully and allowed me to leave my own head for a while. I keep struggling to put it down and do other things so I have not really tried to fight it that much. I really recommend you guys give it a read. It’s quite something.
I hope your day has been good to you.