Twice this week I’ve done pretty big challenges and both times, instead of being fine about them, I have gotten in my car when my appointment was over and broke down in tears. I wanted tell myself that it was ok that I had eaten what I’d eaten and in some way should have felt proud about that but I couldn’t. The truth is that I wanted to take them back. I felt ashamed and sad and guilty for fighting against my disorder. I felt like I was failing for fighting which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me right now. Part of me worries that the only reason I keep going is because it is expected of me and what happens once that expectation has gone? Will I still continue? Everyone tells me how well I am doing and I guess I am doing well but it feels a little false or like I’m faking. It’s like when I’ve eaten with someone and they ask me if I enjoyed it or if the food tasted good, I still don’t know. I don’t get excited about food or allow my thoughts to go to a place where they are able to consider if I even like them. My challenges are just about having things that scare me because I don’t want something to have that much power over me. I always look like I’m managing on the outside but there are times that I slip and I hate it when people see those moments. I feel so exposed and have to shake myself out of the space that I go into. It happened yesterday at my group. I was handling oil at the time and I just froze, like I was trapped in some other universe that I didn’t know how to come back form. It only lasted a few seconds but it was long enough for my dietician to see and comment that that had looked like a difficult moment. I remember smiling at her and saying ‘Yea, but it’s fine’. I did not want to be the person that fell down. It’s getting harder to admit to the areas in which I am struggling because I feel like I shouldn’t be. I don’t tell anyone on my treatment team about the crying in the car or the numerous lost hours in front of the mirror in the morning. I don’t tell them about how I disappear in the middle of the day mentally or where I go to. Maybe I should, but then maybe what’s the point? You see I am alright, I don’t want to lose that and part of me thinks that if I admit to those things than maybe I won’t be anymore. Does that make sense?
Everyday I wish I could turn this part of my brain off. Just make it go quiet so I can think other things. It would be so nice. The disorder has been snapping at my heals more today than usual. I’ve been at home and not doing very much other than cleaning. In a way it’s been nice to not be around people but it’s also been a little difficult because I don’t feel physically amazing at the moment. I decided that I wanted to reduce my sleeping medication last week and so I saw the doctor yesterday to chat about it then started the reduction last night. I slept some but it was a long night and not a very restful one either. I have felt it today so it was good that the only responsibility I had was keeping myself in one piece and getting to my appointment with the nurse for weight and bloods. I’m really hoping that tonight goes a bit better and at the very least I’ll be functioning on all cylinders again by Monday. I’ve decided to try give it a week and see how things go. Luckily I have a pretty amazing doctor who is supportive in whatever I choose to do so that helps and certainly takes the pressure off. I know that I am doing this because I want to rather than feeling like I’m being backed into a corner and made to change. I’ll keep you posted about that.
What I’ve also learnt in the last couple of days is to not Facebook stalk the people you were in treatment with and who you know fully intended to go out and lose weight when they left. It’s not beneficial to maintaining a recovery. I think the reason it is so hard to see people like that is because they are not honest about it to themselves or with anyone else and I guess it is that denial that is so triggering. It’s incredibly sad to see that they still think there is something good to be found in this disorder. That being thin is worth everything that it will eventually cost them. It breaks your heart, doesn’t it?
I hope your day has been good to you.