It’s been a few days since I last wrote but that doesn’t change that this battle with the Eating Disorder remains something that I am fully immersed in day by day. I keep hoping that eventually that will start to change. I’ll have untangled myself enough in order to see things beyond it. I do have that hope now or at least I’m starting to because things are moving forward, even on the harder days, I know that things are not as they were. I am better in some ways and I have to be thankful for those though. The biggest improvement is my physical health. Yes there are still issues and I’m sure that it’s going to take a long time for all the repairs that need to be done to be done but I’m not waking up waiting for my organs to simply give up on me anymore. What’s weird is that I am relieved by that. For so long that’s all I wanted. At times it was simply more fuel to add to the hold that Anorexia had over me. I was driving my body into the ground because it was subtly, less noticeable than trying to end my life in another way. I’m trying not to see this entire period of my life as a waste of time because it is a big chunk of my life and believing that it was for nothing, that’s sad. I’m not sad about what I went through but I am when I think it was just empty time or lost time, then yea…that’s when it hurts more.
I guess I am trying to be more reflective lately because I am going to be coming up to the end of my treatment soon. I am going to have to figure out how to do this on my own and not relapse. I’ve never done that before. I’ve always fallen quickly and I think part of the reason I haven’t this time is because I have pretty intensive support right now. Several times a week, I am reminded that I have to keep working at this because the alternative is crap. I can’t even lie to myself which I have done so many times before because people pull me up on that. They don’t let me get lost in my own head or in the Anorexic thoughts. I’m looking forward to it but I am so scared. I’m starting to be invested in life for the first time since I was a kid and I really don’t want to lose that. So in preparation for the discharge I have taken all the work that I have done in the last few weeks in regards to relapse prevention and consolidated it into some kind of mind map. My support worker hung it up on my kitchen cupboards today so that in those moments when I talk myself out of challenging the disorder, I can check that and remind myself why it’s not ok to give in. You can see it below and I would encourage those of you who are in recovery to possibly look at doing something similar. It’s easier to see where you might fall down, if you know what’s there to trip you up.
I hope your day has been kind to you.