Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

Paying Attention

I always forget how hard it is to manage my real life and recovery at the same time. It is so easy to slip, to make excuses or do less than what is required of me. It feels like I can delay my recovery for a day or take a day off because my work or something else requires more attention and I don’t seem to have the stamina to give my everything to both. It’s a ridiculous theory though isn’t it? Surely if I’m doing more than I need more energy, not less. Yet for me this has always been the case. The more I do, whether it’s work or exercise then the less I need to consume. Biologically it makes no sense, neither does it rationally but nothing this disorder follows the logic of the rest of the world. It happened on Saturday when I was working at a festival all day. I had a lunch but for the amount of activity I was doing, it was not enough. I knew this but for some reason I could not bring myself to have more and the guilt I felt for what I did was overwhelming. I hadn’t wanted it to be like that this year. I wanted to have the strength to get through the day and not feeling like I was ready to fall apart by the end of it…but that didn’t happen. By the time we had packed up and I was heading home, my head was buzzing, my legs felt like they were made of jelly and it was hard to keep my temper in check. Exhausted is too mild a word for what I felt. Don’t get me wrong I had fun, it’s just as always I wondered how much better it would have been had I not been putting my body under physical stress. That is always something I always wonder about so what is stopping me from just finding out?

I did try to redeem myself on Sunday by treating me better which I think I managed. There was no intensity, just cleaning and running errands. I’m not a fan of Sundays so it was just about getting through the day mainly. I knew though that I had to do that in order to get ready for this week which is a really busy week, even for me. Today I tried to begin as I meant to go on but it was kind of a slow start. I’ve been having sinus issues lately that have been making my mornings hell and then the work/lunch thing I had today really didn’t go well. I think I was a bit of a bitch/withdrawn (not sure which one) the first half of the meeting but I settled down after a while. Oddly or un-oddly when the food bit was over. I couldn’t bring myself to order a proper lunch though. My fear got the better of me and so even though I’ve eaten at cafes before, this time I stalled and then bailed. It annoyed me because for the rest of the day, I felt like I was constantly assessing and trying to manage my energy levels. Not ideal when you have things to do. It reminded me again though how much I hated or do hate living life this way. Seriously, having to consider if I’m likely to faint is not how I want to have to consider throughout my day. It’s probably a good thing that I am realising all this now whilst I still have a care team and time before my classes begin in September.

Tomorrow I am going to do one of the biggest challenges I have done in a while. I am so scared that when I think about it, it feels like my heart stops for a moment. That’s the reason why I know I have to do it. I refuse to let something else continue to have that much power over me and if I don’t do it now, then when?

I hope your day has been good to you.

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