Can things be equally good and bad? I feel like that’s how they are. In one way I am more together than I think I’ve ever been. Mostly I’ve stabilised my mood, the depression is not as overwhelming as it once was and probably the greatest thing for me is that I know how to laugh again. Do you know how remarkable that feels? For so long it was like I had lost my sense of humour and my ability to find light even when it was slapping me in the face. Now though, despite the way the Eating Disorder still continues to rip my brain apart and the reality that both my friends and family are in free-fall, I seem to be able to tap into something that means I can smile. It’s good and weird but mostly its like being able to breathe after being submerged for too long.
I guess the bad though is that the people around me are struggling. My brother continues to break into more and more pieces as the days pass by. Instead of getting better, he appears to be getting worse and as a result the rest of my family are getting entangled by his behaviour. My Mother is the hardest to deal with as usual as history begins to repeat itself and all she can focus on is that it is something to do with her. All of yesterday I listened to her whine about how she didn’t know what she had done so bad to deserve this. “Why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this?” She fails to see that this…just as it was with me was never about her. It is not something being done to her or because of her. She complains about having to be there and then continues to be overly involved and caught up in the drama. I’ll admit that I have my own issues with my Mother that are long-standing and are likely to always be there but my siblings have never had that relationship with her. They invite her into their lives, but they forget that she has no ability in holding back. My brother is nearly 30 and she is caught up in the intricacies of his relationship with his girlfriend. They throw messages backwards and forwards and then they all wonder why it ends in tears because that’s what happens…it always does. I’m actually finding it really hard to be around them when they’re acting like this. It feels toxic somehow. Yesterday I left my house in a good mood and within minutes of picking my Mother up, all the energy had been drained out of me. I tried to explain it to a friend today and she just got it. She met my Mother once when I was in the hospital and felt the energy shift too. My Mother is not a terrible person and it is her love that can make her desperate and grasping at times but it makes me distant, turns me into a person I am not and have no desire to be. Does thinking like this make me a terrible daughter? I try not to be but admittedly I am flawed.
The other struggle comes as always from Anorexia. I have been stepping back into recovery with more determination than the week before. I’ve shaken off that need to crawl back into it’s bubble and re-established my motivation. I know what I want and I know how to get it and all the steps that I need to take in between. It’s just the practicality that’s hard. I still spend too long trying to get dressed and by the end of the morning it looks like a tornado has wound its way through my wardrobe. It’s the one area that no matter how much ground I gain in this process, it never seems to alter. The body wars are driving me up the wall. I also failed my first challenge today. Ok maybe fail is a harsh word but I couldn’t complete it and to be quite honest it wasn’t even the hardest one. There was that moment where the shutter just came down and regardless of the rationalising that I was trying to do and my support worker was trying to help me do, I just couldn’t go any further with it. Mostly I was annoyed with myself and realised that there is still a lot of work to do. I panicked afterwards because suddenly I couldn’t see how I was supposed to live the rest of my life doing the eating thing everyday but then…life in starvation is not sustainable either. My next day to do a challenge with her is on Friday and I fully intend to hit it hard and get it done. I’m also going to repeat today next week if only to prove to myself that I can do it. If I avoid it then it grows and that is harder to come back from.
I’m still going. There isn’t really an alternative that I’m ok with.
I hope your day has been good to you.