I am getting back into the swing of things. No more playing around and taking the easier options. So far this week I have done two massive challenges and it’s only Wednesday. It’s hard to say that I feel proud of myself for them but I am really pleased that I am proving myself wrong. I thought these terrible things were going to happen by doing these challenges and yet for the most part, I’m still standing. The worst case scenarios have failed to materialise, which is nice but it also annoys me a little that I have spent years being so afraid for no good reason. The fear was unfounded. There was no point to it. I’m not even sure when they came into play. I suppose it’s what happens when you don’t pay attention. Things…thoughts, fears and behaviours have a way of creeping up on you and even though you may have known the logic behind them once, you get to a point where you can’t remember what that logic is anymore and the only reason you carry on is because it has become so entrenched that you don’t know how to let go. Maybe that it’s where the success in recovery lays…the ability to figure out how to just let go. Letting go of being afraid, of control, of hate or sadness. Letting go of the lies that you tell yourself and the torture that you put yourself through. It is essentially an extremely complex problem but the answer is really quite simple. The answer is to just stop being so barbaric to yourself…because what Anorexia makes us do is not human. There is no way that I would ever be able to physically hurt someone else, or starve them or make them throw up or isolate them. Yet I did that to myself…or Anorexia did that to me. Either way we have to stop thinking that we are less than human and that we are exempt from the rules of common decency. We aren’t…not one of us is. Of course you are free to argue that, believe you are different, that you truly deserve unhappiness and suffering…but you don’t. I guess I don’t either. Yet I still doubt it and in my heart I know that if I carry on holding on to that, then I’m not going to fully recover. You don’t fight for the thing that’s not worth saving. You fight for the thing that is. We…you and I guess me…we are already worthy. Somehow we’re all going to have to internalise that.
I’m moving forward in my recovery. It has certainly been shook up this last week but it was probably a good thing. Helped me refocus and not get complacent. My discharge date has been moved forward to August as my Nurse is leaving. Mostly I am ok with this. I am both anxious but ridiculously excited. The nerves are because I’ve never being able to sustain this. This whole staying at a healthy weight is new to me and I still haven’t made up my mind about how I feel about it. Intellectually I know that I need to stay here or even go higher if I want to study and socialise and generally have a life. Emotionally that picture looks cloudy. I’m excited though because it’s another step to reclaiming my freedom. I may be out of hospital but I still feel accountable to other people. They get access to parts of my life just because of their roles and I want to just be me. Not a patient or a diagnosis or a risk assessment or a BMI. Just me…the person. Can you understand that? It’s a mentality thing. So the plan is to carry on pushing through and getting as much done as I possibly can in the time that I have left in treatment.
I’m beginning to think that maybe things have a chance of being ok. I hope it’s real.
I hope your day has been kind to you.