My head space got worse. It felt like I was sinking into something that felt familiar and normal. The most terrifying part though was how I didn’t care. Out of nowhere I had this sudden narrow minded drive of wanting to make myself less and being completely uninterested in the consequences or damage that I would do in trying to attain that. I gave into Anorexia. I listened. I threw myself on to the tracks and waited for the train to come whistling by. It was all rather dramatic but also kind of flat. I mean, my head was screaming and I was struggling to keep myself from punching the mirror but I became quiet and withdrawn. I thought I was going to be ok with a relapse because it had to be better than what I was feeling in that moment, didn’t it? I could lose it all again and I’d be fine. I would just have to make sure people wouldn’t notice. It was somewhere during this period of me trying to rationalise how I could stop fighting the disorder when it struck me that what I was doing was not fine. Deconstructing my entire life again because I hate my body began to feel a little bit ridiculous. Was I really prepared to give it all up again, my life, family, friends, classes…for the sake of x amount of lbs? I’ll be honest with you, for a time I thought the answer was yes. Then I drove home last night and went past this woman who must have been in her sixties. She was small, painfully so and walking that walk which is more purposeful than a stroll. It broke my heart. Then it scared me. My twenties will be over soon and my life is passing me by because I am too wrapped up in this disorder to ever really be present in it. It started to filter in then, the memories of the reality of losing weight. The cold and the pain. The hair loss and the irregular heart beats. The bone weakness and muscle wasting. It seems like to high a price to pay for a reflection that I don’t like. So I’m trying to reshift things in my head once again. I caught myself this time so it’s not like I have a lot to undo but it unnerves me how it strikes apparently out of nowhere. Maybe that will always be a risk, just when I think I’m doing alright, it has to come and rattle me. All it takes is the wrong thought that I let in and I’m snowballed.
I hope it won’t always be this hard.
I hope your day has been good to you.