My heart has felt restless today. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, only that my anxiety has been pretty high since yesterday afternoon and it’s making me unsure about things. It’s an odd sensation, I equally want to hide from the world and do nothing or do a million different things in order to avoid how uncomfortable I feel. Neither one is stronger than the other and as a consequence I’ve kind of got through my day today behind a cloud of fogginess, not really connecting with anything. I was with all my siblings for a couple of hours this afternoon and all I could think about was how irrelevant I was and that I did not fit with them. It almost like they live in this separate world that I can’t seem to get access to. The thing is though that I know it’s not because of anything they have done or said, it’s just me and how I feel about myself. I guess I don’t feel that great about me today. I can’t keep up with the rapid cycling of my thoughts that swing between taking back control of my life to insecurely diminishing myself. I want to tell my brain to pick a side and stay there for longer than 5 minutes so that I can get my bearings. I don’t think it’s going to happen though, is it? I can change a lot of things but maybe not how my mind is wired and if that’s the case then I’m going to just have to get better at adapting to it.
There has been something today though that has made me pause and although initially increased my self-pity, did in the end make me remember why I am choosing to recover. As some of you may know, I do my best thinking when I’m driving. There is something about being in the car and not having other distractions that I can turn to and use to avoid which means that I start to get a bit real with myself. Not always great but useful I suppose. Anyway I started to question if all this was worth it? Did I regret anything? I ran through all the things that I had said no to, all the things that I had made myself do and all the hurt that I had caused and wondered would I do it again. Honestly, I regret it all. None of it was worth it. When you find yourself so deep in this disorder and trying to climb out the other side, when you have enough insight to see what it has done, then you will understand that it was not ok. I promise you that when you begin to wake up from this illness, you will not wish you had invested more into it. I am here and I can tell you that there is no part of me that wishes I’d have said no to more things so I could have indulged my disorder. I sat there in the car and cried because I felt sorry that I had done that. I was upset for me but what upset me more was that there are still millions of people out there who haven’t figured that out yet. They still hate themselves because they didn’t work out as long as they think they should have, or that they hung out with a friend when they were supposed to be shutting them out. Let me tell you something, it’s not going to matter when you’re doing more damage than you thought possible and you’re potentially dying. You will not sit there and think to yourself ‘I should have lost another lb, I should have missed more of my life, I should have stayed in instead of going out, I should have spent less time on my school work or career and focused more on weighing less’. I regret how much time I wasted on this disorder and I’m sad about that but that can’t be the only emotion I feel because that’s just as toxic. The more I grieve for the life that I didn’t live, the longer I stay trapped and I am done with this cage. I think when I can be angry about it, maybe then I can figure out how to let go of it.
I hope your day has been good to you.