Challenge days are awful. They are a new thing that I’m trying in an attempt to put this disorder to bed and I seriously do not like them. I was petrified for most of the morning, in fact I may have started tearing up yesterday when I was just thinking about it. I kept wondering why I had decided that this would be a good idea and for the life of me, I could not come up with anything. I ran through the perfectly scripted excuses in my head as to why I would not be able to meet my challenge today and yet I knew that they all sounded hollow. They may have been enough to convince myself not to go ahead but my health support worker was not going to fall for them. She is kind but from her experience of working on the ward, she doesn’t let me talk myself out of what I intended to do. She came for lunch. The big scary lunch which included something way up high on my list of fear foods. Physically I was shaking, talking in this fast random voice that is my norm when I am ridiculously anxious. We talked about nothing and about everything, it’s strange how easily I am opening up to her. For some reasons my defences are not as solid as they once were and maybe that is because I know now that those attempts to shield myself or protect myself were allowing me to stay trapped in my disordered behaviours. If I am going to better from this or not as stuck then it requires me to be honest with her and tell her what is difficult for me and what I need to work on. Otherwise nothing changes and all of this really doesn’t mean very much. I have to tell her what frightens me and why it frightens me. I also have to remind myself of those things. I could pretend that I was fine and tell myself that I don’t even want to eat those foods anyway but that was never the point. I am trying and challenging because I don’t like being afraid of something this much. I don’t want to live my life governed by fear and because of that restricting. It’s not a way to live or at least one that I am not interested in. There are enough rules in this world, so why am I trying to add more?
I got through my challenge today and I’ll be repeating it a little tomorrow. It’s going to take time for me to not be as freaked out about it as I was today. I am going to have to practice and keep doing it till the fear lessens. Unfortunately it is the only way with this disorder. Avoidance will only keep us where we were. You can side-step this fear, you have to meet it. The next challenge day is Monday.
Note to self: There is a point to this. There is a reason I am doing this.
I hope your day has been kind to you.