It feels like I’ve been hit over the head with treatment things today. This morning I had a session with my key nurse to look through some relapse prevention stuff and then an hour afterwards a practical appointment with my support worker to have lunch. It’s been quite intense but also probably necessary.
With my nurse we’re looking at my High risk situations. What are the things that are going to trigger a relapse? What are the situations that are going to make my engage in behaviours and what will those behaviours be? Then what could I do instead? The writing about it was easy. Answering the surface question wasn’t that difficult but actually going into depth about it, well…it was hard. I don’t like to focus too much on my answers and it makes me uncomfortable when I have to sit there and analyse it. Most of the time I wanted to say that I didn’t know but the more I thought about it and why my thoughts were like that the more I started to see it make sense. I keep going back to the behaviours of restriction for so many reasons, one of them being that I have some twisted sense of loyalty to it, the others being that I keep expecting for it take make me feel better about myself and that I don’t know anything else. I’ve never had any other life that I can remember. Most of what I had written in the work booklet was done months ago whilst I was in hospital and it’s infuriating to know that so much of it is still applicable now. How is it possible that I continue to feel so torn and as though I am doing something wrong? The next part was looking at what my weight had done over the years and how it corresponded to what was going on at the time. The drop is noticeable as its sudden after the ten-year mark. My nurse what had happened and I told her that that was the point I gave up. I stopped trying to maintain a stable weight in order to stop people from noticing and instead let the Eating Disorder sink me fast. I told her I could even pinpoint the week that it happened. When everything went from “I’m fine” to “I don’t care”, the week my body stopped feeling like I had any ounce of ownership over it. It was a bad week. Yet it wasn’t the actual week that broke me as such…it was the tiredness. My nurse told me this as I tried it into perspective. She said “You’d been doing this for so long, you would have been exhausted to fight any longer”. I was. It’s never the big things that destroy you, it’s the millions of little things, the personal disasters piled on top of each other that leave you breathless and struggling.
I want to let her in and I mean all the way in but I feel like since I’ve started question my identity, the system, the roles that we play, I’ve started to create a distance between us. I don’t trust her fully because I don’t trust me anymore. How can I say this is my heart when my heart feels like a stranger?
My next appointment wasn’t too bad. I still haven’t started challenging new foods yet but I think I’m still getting used to my new support worker. I am being more open here though about the practical excuses. The excuses I tell myself so that I don’t do the difficult things. I am well aware that this is a problem for me. I told her about this list of fear foods that I wrote ages ago…maybe last year and on it were things that I was going to try. Since that time, despite all the self catering opportunities in hospital, most of that list remains unchecked. We’re going to be doing one on Thursday, a huge fear and needless to say I am scared shitless. I’m waiting for something terrible to happen although I couldn’t tell you what that terrible thing is. Every week we’re going to do this because I won’t be in treatment forever and I need to not be this afraid of food all the time. I need to find the evidence that tells me it’s ok to eat these new foods. Right now my selections are limited and it’s not maintainable. The new theme of my recovery today seems to be feel the fear and do it anyway.
That is me today and I have one more treatment thing to go to tonight which is group support. I’m not a fan of this group and I really don’t want to spend another hour sat talking about this damn disorder but I think I’d rather that than still be talking about it for the next 5 years.
I hope your day is being good to you.