Finding inspiration for recovery is not always easy. It is hard to un-peel the layers of the Eating Disorder and be able to see that something different exists. There are enough blogs and photos and stories out there, but if you cannot connect to it within your own heart, then all of those things are meaningless. You have to feel inspired in order for it to move you into changing you. Still, even if you find that spark, that thing that makes you want to be better, holding on to that is like holding water. It’s there for second but from the very beginning it is slipping between your fingers and it you don’t keep refilling it then it will run dry. I have felt that about my own recovery lately. I let the water disappear because I wrongly thought that once I made the decision to get well then that was all it was going to take. I didn’t think I needed to keep reminding myself why I was putting myself through it. By doing that, I took my eye off the ball, forgot the long-term goals and allowed myself to fall into the habit of surviving each day. It shouldn’t be like that. Life should not be getting up in the morning and then counting down the hours until you can bring it to an end. I lost my inspiration and became only motivated by fear but fear is not enough to learn how to make yourself properly live. It is only enough to stop you – to an extent – from diving back into starvation and medical crisis’.
When I saw my nurse yesterday, she reminded me that I needed to think about what I wanted at the end of all this. What was I hoping for? What was the point? I said some vague response but in truth, for me the point of all this is that I am tired of being tired. The wear and tear has broken me down and I don’t want to watch myself dismantle me and then attempt to put myself back together again. We talked about how easy it is for me to relapse, that I am only accountable to myself and that every time I make an excuse as to why I can’t challenge something, I’m only strengthening the Eating Disorder. In the next couple of weeks, I have to try to regain the weight that I lost. I hate to say it but I really don’t want to yet I know that that is the disordered part of my brain trying to get me under its control again. There was a reason I chose the target weight range that I did and even if it’s hard, I have to remember what those reasons were. I chose my weight range because trying to live below it was dangerous for me. I chose it because I couldn’t function that well when it was lower. I chose it because it was the only way that I could begin to be free. We like to think weight restoration does not have to happen, that it will be enough or even feasible to only change the thoughts. That’s not possible. Unfortunately we cannot override biology, even if we tell ourselves that we can train our bodies to withstand anything. It will tolerate us for only so long but there will come a time when it cannot sustain us anymore. It’s horrible living and feeling like your body is a ticking time bomb and all you are doing is waiting for the moment when it implodes. I’m fed up of that, aren’t you? I am going to have to learn how to trust my team and be willing to do what I am told. I don’t imagine it’s easy and so far I have not been able to act on the thoughts or plans that were put into place. I get so close and then talk myself out of it. I knew I was stubborn but the level of it surprises me sometimes. Somehow I have to use that stubbornness to help me rather than hurt me.
I have to keep moving forward and inspiring myself. I have to…we have to remind ourselves of what we’re even battling for. We didn’t choose recovery to make ourselves miserable, we did it because our Eating Disorders became something we began to not like anymore. It became something that didn’t facilitate the life we imagined for ourselves. Remind yourselves of that every bloody day.
I hope your day has been good to you.