When I wrote a couple of days ago I think I was feeling an overwhelming sense of lostness. I wanted to stop time and calm the chaos in my head down or withdraw from the world completely because it seemed too much to continue to ask myself to carry on fighting when I felt so tired. The CPA was unsettling for me because I am so used to not being questioned. I attend these meetings and am always told that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and I’m fine…but that wasn’t the case this time. I don’t think I was upset because I hadn’t realised that things weren’t great because I already knew that. I think it rattled me that they saw it and that when they looked me, all I could see was the frustration that they held for me. I imagine that I am boring now, just another person who will spend their lives relapsing and screwing up. I’m not bothered that it seems that I’m letting them down, I really couldn’t care about their expectations, what hurts is that…I am letting me down. Again. How many times will I say to myself that this will never happen again, only to let it happen again?
This weekend has calmed me enough to make me stop googling masters programmes in the states and planning my escape route. It’s not that anything has happened or changed but today I told myself that I needed to make a choice. I can keep living the way that I’m living and that will be fine, or I can stop letting people take away my power, find my voice and figure out how I move forward. I am done being passive in my treatment. I am done being made to feel like I am a person who is having something done to them. I forget that I am not 19 years old anymore stuck in a system that only knew how to lock me up. I haven’t been her for a long time. I have to work with the people around me collaboratively, rather than reluctantly. I have to listen to my nurse, see my dietician, keep my medical appointments and go to my groups because in this, in recovery, I don’t know better. I don’t know how to keep myself well because I’ve never let myself learn. All I have ever done is found excuses to run back to it. Community treatment was what this summer was about. That was supposed to be my priority above anything else so that I could be ready for classes in September. It hasn’t though. My work became more important, so did hiding, and pretending, and trying to make up for all the ways that I thought I had failed as a person. But you know where that’s got me? Absolutely nowhere. I can’t keep being this stuck, it’s too heart-breaking.
This week I am going to get my shit together. I am going to write a meal plan and I am going to stick to that meal plan because my way isn’t working. I’m also going to get back to writing just for me because I don’t do that anymore. I’m going to have some honest conversations, I think it’s about time and we’ll see what happens. It’s starting to feel like I have nothing left to lose and as terrifying as thought it is, it might be what I need to stop myself from fucking up anymore.
I hope your day has been kind to you.