My Eating Disorder appears to be kicking my butt right now. The last couple of days have not been easy on me. As I mentioned in my last post, I was going to be having my CPA yesterday. That happened and lets just say I was not prepared for what was going to happen in that room. Usually, it’s fine and I’m in and out of these meetings after 10 minutes with everyone telling me that I am doing alright and no real changes to make. I was expecting that but 40 minutes later I left the room and the picture didn’t quite match the one I had in my head. I thought I could wing it and no one would pay that much attention to all the slips that have been happening. I was wrong. When I got there, I sat outside in the waiting area with my CPN and her student. It was awkward and mostly silent. All I could think was that I have not see you for weeks and you have nothing to say to me? My anxiety was pretty high and I felt sick to my stomach, which is weird considering that I can sit in a room of hundreds of people, give a speech and not have that bother me. When they eventually called us, I smiled that polite smile that you do and listened to the nursing report from my key nurse. None of it was that shocking to hear and mostly addressed what has been happening since I’ve been under their care, the challenges and lack of progress. Yet she kept talking about this work that we have done and sessions that have happened but they haven’t. I’m supposed to have practical support but because of the way things have been with staff changes and annual leave, I’ve only had 4 since February. In terms of the psychological work and the relapse prevention stuff, I’ve had 2 sessions of those. It made it sound like there had been all this input but there hasn’t and so I just look like a failure and that I’m wasting my treatment time. Once that report was done, the doctor turned to me and asked me if I had anything that I wanted to say about that or anything in general. I tried to be honest, say that it had been a struggle but I still wanted the same things. I still wanted to go back to Uni, recover and live my life. She told me that currently it was clear that that wasn’t happening. That if I continued and didn’t turn it round right now, then I wouldn’t be going back to Uni. In addition I would just stay stuck and that if I got unwell again, there would be no bed on inpatient for me but a transfer to a medical ward for re-stabilisation and then discharge home. My response was great because I have no intention of going back to IP. I said that before I’d even left the ward…IP will never be an option again. Never. She looked like at me like I was a train wreck, someone who was just going to spend theirs lives relapsing. This is it. I have till September to fix this and if not then I guess I’m on my own. They asked about my weight and I couldn’t give them a number because I haven’t been in a few weeks. I said it had dropped a little, not much, it would be fine. She disagreed, it won’t be fine and reminded me how quickly I become undone at a certain point and how things can deteriorate. She asked me if I’d ever been able to gain weight in the community and I told her I’d never maintained in the community, I had tried and failed and ended up in hospital instead. Apparently that has to change too.
We talked about my hit and miss attendance at groups and that I was listening to the Anorexia when I didn’t go because I wanted to avoid that there was a problem.
The thing is as horrible as it was, everything she said was true. I think I just didn’t like that someone was seeing me and not this exterior that I built. My CPN was massively unhelpful though. When they asked for her input, she said that I had been through all services going and that nothing seem to work for me. I was still me. I felt like such a write off and I sat there waiting for them to just say it, that “We give up on you”. Instead my CPN talked about how we were working at looking at the positives in my life because I’m really good at finding the negatives. I didn’t know whether to laugh or scream at them. I acknowledge that there are positives in my life but some half assed attempt at CBT is not going to work with me. She then had the audacity to say that once I got going, regardless or my inability to ask for help that I was usually pretty open with her and in-depth about my feelings. I seriously don’t know whose appointments she’s talking about because they are certainly not mine. In our appointments the layout looks like this:
– How have things been?
– How’s the family?
– Longish discussion about some aspect of my work.
– Her telling me that I’ve been through worse and that it’ll get better. To look at the positives.
– Making another appointment.
The one thing she said that really annoyed me though was that I was so much better when I was at Uni. I was a different person and so much happier. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Uni, I love my classes and learning. I feel there is some purpose to my life. However last year I nearly killed myself doing Uni because I was so unhappy and so panic-struck because I was unhappy, despite doing what I thought was going to be the answer, that I never stopped. I ran around like an idiot, trying to outrun my sadness, having weekly meetings with my tutor just to get me through the days. I was having anxiety attacks, and restricting in my intake and barely sleeping and crying all the time or not feeling anything. Yet that was me happy? Is that what I’m supposed to be aiming to get back to? The bit before my hospital admission?
I left that room, that doctor and my team, walked up to my car and burst into tears. I was so angry and sad, then I realised that my lip was sore from the amount of times I had had to bite it to stop myself from yelling. I’m supposed to engage in my treatment and instead of feeling like I can do this recovery thing, all I could think was that I never want to even acknowledge the Eating Disorder, let alone talk about it ever again. I don’t want treatment. I don’t want help. There was no answer for what I did want.
I’ve calmed down somewhat today, but the next blow came when I went to the nurse for my bloods and weight appointment, and saw that I have now fallen out of my target range. I am seeing my ED nurse on Monday and I really don’t want to tell her. I don’t want them to start adding things back into my diet so that I gain weight. Despite all that I know and all that I’ve been through, it still terrifies me beyond belief. I still don’t want it and so I am unsure where that leaves me in regards to recovery.
It feels like I’ve been fighting so hard for so long and I’m just exhausted now.
I hope your day has been kind to you.