Today has been a pretty full on day. I’m knackered but it’s a good kind. I think I’ve felt more like me than I have done in a while and not all of it was an act. One of the things that I do work wise is that I share my story with people at training events and today was a pretty big one for us. It went really well and I guess I am reminded of why I chose recovery when I do these things. For one, if I had stayed the same then I wouldn’t have the energy or capability to do it. I might not even be here. Yet it also reminds me because I have to put a positive spin at the end of my story. I have to repeat my motivations, my hopes and plans to the people who sit in front of me and after a while, I start to listen to myself. I want this because I want to go back to my education, because I have a new nephew who I want to see grow up and because I have a little brother who has never known me well. These are just a few reasons and they alone would be enough but I also have many more. I think about how ridiculous I have been over the years, how stuck I’ve let myself be and in the end how lost I actually became. It makes me feel so sad for that potential of a person. Instead I became a number, a collection of medical notes, a statistic, a list of symptoms, several diagnosis’ and who I was inside didn’t matter. All that mattered was the risks that I presented. It’s so easy to lose your identity in the system and to also have your self taken over by the Eating Disorder. I became it and it devoured me. Constantly my nurse reminds me that it is something separate but I question that when I am not so great. If it lives and breathes and controls both your mind and body, then there is nothing left to claim as separate. If I am funny or smart or kind and I’m not born with these things then are they who I am or are they also separate? Something I can deny or ignore. Does that apply to the Anorexia too? There isn’t a right answer and I genuinely don’t know what the answer even is…only that I am confused. I want to believe that there is this little thing in my brain that I can cut away cleanly but it seems to be woven into all of my veins and vital organs. It is hard to have hope when you think like that but the despair is stronger tonight. The tiredness of living this life is too much for me to bear and I don’t want to curl up in a ball somewhere and stop breathing…I want it gone but I want me to be salvageable afterwards. Is that even possible? Am I making sense?
I have my CPA (a big meeting with all my team members to see how things are going and to plan future care) tomorrow and I’m not sure how I verbalise these kind of thoughts. Maybe I don’t. I just don’t want to go in there and say all the right things because that’s what’s expected of me whether I agree with them or not. It’s not getting me anywhere. I have been losing my voice in degrees for months and I have to get it back. It’s breaking my heart to make myself in to someone who isn’t real. It hasn’t been fine the way my world has been. The things that I am thinking are not fine either. Me wanting to lose weight again isn’t acceptable and I have to figure out how to explain that but for them to not abandon me with that thought because I still want recovery too.
I want more.
I don’t want people to keep looking at me like I’m broken. I don’t want to keep looking in the mirror and seeing that too.
This is such a random post and I’m sorry about that. I believe two different things at the same time and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with that.
I hope your day has been kind to you.