It’s been a few weeks since I’ve seen anyone in my care team. I’ve kind of being letting things slip but not in a way that is noticeable if you weren’t looking. The excuses came first, then the reasoning for what I was doing and finally the acceptance. In the beginning I had a full meal plan, it was the one I was discharged with and the one that I was told would see me maintaining my weight and then the three steps mentioned above fell into action. First I took something out of my plan because I told myself that I was too busy/tired/stress for it and that I would make up for it later. The second part was that I then told myself that it was ok because my weight was holding and I was still functioning therefore I didn’t really need that thing in my diet. The last thing, my acceptance, well that was me saying that it was now firmly out of my diet and so I could not put it back in and I made myself be ok with that. I know though that it won’t end there. It won’t just be that one thing to go, it’ll be landslide of all things eventually if I let it go unchecked any longer. My dietician came today to see me and I told her some of this and she asked me what did I want to do now? Mostly I wanted to say to run away and pretend this isn’t happening but instead I told her that I need to stop this spiral. I don’t want it to carry on and she said that that is currently one of their concerns. If I don’t get a grip on this now then it’s only going to get worse. We came up with a plan to change one thing and see how that goes. This means that I am going to have to trust her and even though she has never done anything to make me not, I still don’t. I said this to her and she asked me if it was me that didn’t trust her or the Eating Disorder? That made me think and when I did, I think it clicked that it is not me but the Anorexia trying to play its games with my mind again. I hate that it still has this much control and that I can’t make it be quiet at the moment. I get tired of hearing the same shit it has to say everyday and on some days, I get so tired that I want to quit recovery all together and tell it that it wins. I don’t want to fight it anymore and I’ll do anything to make it stop. I should know by now that that never works. I can do every thing right in its eyes and still it won’t be enough. It won’t make it stop. Sometimes that thought makes me feel more hopeless than I can describe. Despite that I have to try this new plan because I don’t want the alternative. I don’t want to become unwell in that way again. On the piece of paper that my dietician handed to me, after the discussion and me admitting I was worried that this was going to make my weight jump up and out of control, she wrote “You don’t know if you don’t try”. She’s right. I’ve never tried. I’ve never really maintained. I’ve never just done what I’m supposed to do without making my own tweaks or changes because I thought I knew better. It has to stop because clearly evidence tells me that I don’t know better.
I can’t leave it any longer and expect for it to get better on its own. That’s not going to happen and Uni is getting closer. I don’t have time for another relapse or the energy to lose myself again. I am seeing my Nurse on Monday for lunch and I guess we’ll see if I can or have put this new plan into action. I’m not ready to be optimistic about it but I can be realistic. If I don’t do this and I don’t prove to myself that I am capable then I might as well walk away from my future now instead of waiting to see it go up in smoke. At some point I am going to have to take a leap of faith and get over my whole trust issues because otherwise the only person that I am listening to is me…and I, I don’t have a great track record. It’s time to try something different.
I hope your day has been good to you.