I consider myself to be a pretty lucky person because I have a lot of really good people in my life. Over the years they have been there, even when I wouldn’t let them be. When I shut the world out and I shut them out, I thought that would be it. Friendships burnt to the ground for the sake of destruction. I really didn’t believe that once the flames had been put out, there would be anyone left. Yet they or most of them were still there waiting for me to drag myself out of my own hell because they knew that they couldn’t be the ones to do it. I’ve seen quite a few of my friends this week, trying to figure out where everyone is and what’s been going on for them has been nice. On Saturday I caught up with a woman who I’ve known for a while now and she’s one of those people who I never feel the need to minimise stuff with. We have the no bullshit rule in our friendship. We don’t lie to each other and by extension when are we together especially we don’t lie to ourselves. She asked me some questions about what was going on for me and I think I haven’t been that honest with anyone for a while. I think I realised that even when I thought I was telling people everything and being open with them, I’ve still been holding back. I haven’t told my treatment team that it is getting harder to make myself want recovery anymore because ultimately I don’t think I can stay at this weight. I feel horrible and uncomfortable, yet I also know how destroyed my body and mind will be if I go back. I don’t quite understand how I can know this and still want to crawl back to it like some pathetic puppy who even after its been kicked will return to its owner. That’s what I feel like! Like it owns me, that I am some puppet or toy and that I’m not really a valid human being. I’m struggling to believe that I have any autonomy left.
I want to be in a good place because I am so very tired of not being. I don’t know how to live without the Eating Disorder. I don’t know how I process life without having this as some kind of buffer to protect me from feeling all the things that I don’t want to be. It’s strange because I know that I can’t function with Anorexia but equally I’m not sure I can function without it. I’m not sure where this leaves me.