I took a sunshine day yesterday. It’s a new thing I’m trying…and I’m kind of a fan. I bailed on my group and went to my Mothers house instead, where I sat in the garden and got some studying done. It was nice and necessary to help me correct my vitamin D deficiency plus I got to see my nephew (ridiculously gorgeous child) and hang out with my little brother for a bit before we had to go to his martial arts class. I am trying hard to settle into this life thing but that feeling like I don’t fit is something that I can’t shake. I’m not even sure how to explain it. It’s not an obvious thing though and you wouldn’t know unless you were looking closely or knew what to be looking for. If you did, you’d just see how everything’s a little out of sync but not be able to put your finger on exactly what.
Today I had to go to the dentist and he was not gentle with me. It was a new guy and I’m surprised my mouth is still in tact. He didn’t really say anything through out and then in the end told me I was going to be needing some extensive work done. Then he asked me if I had been eating a lot of sugar? I told him that I had just spent 5 months in treatment being made to eat desserts and high energy foods…so yea you could say that. I told him that I had an Eating Disorder and then his face fell a little. He looked embarrassed as he apologised because yes he had just read that in my notes and now felt like an idiot. There was a bit of an awkward silence…then he thought telling me that I looked ok now was the right thing to say next. He then gave me a lecture on smoking and if I was going to have to still eat cakes/sweets etc then to do it all at once. I go back two weeks to have the first appointment for the work that needs doing. I’m dreading it. The last time I had to, I fainted because of the drilling. It seems you can’t win, you screw up things by being ill, you screw up things by engaging in the treatment. Clearly the only answer is to have not even gone there in the first place.
Weirdly I also had to email my old psychiatrist from the psychiatric intensive care unit today. I met him the other night at this AGM he was giving a talk at. I was there to get him to agree to do an interview at a later date for one of our projects. I was terrified and even though logically I knew that I was free and could have left at any point, there was that fear that he was going to lock me up again. I felt like I was back on that ward a few times. Thankfully I don’t think he remembered me and if he did then he didn’t say anything. Listening to him was fascinating though and he has some really interesting thoughts that I could have talked to him for hours about. I’m glad that I went even if I was dreading it before and he’s agreed to take part in the project, so I’ve just done a follow-up email now. I should not have my old psych’s personal email address…part of me thinks it’s a crossing a line even if we are both pretending that we have no memories of each other but there isn’t much I can do about it. I need this for work stuff so…it’s just the way it is.
Food is not moving. So it’s not getting any more restrictive but neither is it getting better. There are so many excuses on the tip of my tongue for why I’m not challenging myself and I’m trying not to go there but it is so easy, so comfortable and familiar. I can’t go there. I want healthy even if I can’t get this image that I found of myself on my computer out of my head. It wasn’t better like that (repeat and repeat and repeat).
I hope your day has been good to you.