Have you ever thought to yourself how ridiculous this disorder is? Seriously! What are we doing? We keep going down the same path hoping that we’ll reach a different outcome but it’s not going to happen. Every time I give in, every time I listen to Anorexia, all I am doing is delaying my life, making the years of sickness stack up till it finally kills me. I want to know what life is like without the Eating Disorder influencing my thoughts and decisions because I don’t have that. I was so young when it started and at some point about 8 years ago I crossed that border of having the illness for half of my life. I don’t want to be saying the same thing when I’m 50 something years old…I want to stop doubting myself, stop being so resentful to my body, figure out how I trust it. I am so tired of being in a battle with it, so tired of doing the same thing day after day, hoping or waiting for a time when it’s over. Maybe I’ve been passive, still expecting that I’ll wake up one day and it won’t be there and that’ll be the end. Yet as time marches on, I am becoming more sceptical of that thought. It’s not going to just go away, is it?
I was meeting a couple of friends today (separately) and it firstly made me remember that there was a reason I chose this path…the recovery one and secondly, it jolted me into seeing how cruel this disorder actually is and how it is not a friend or an ally who is going to save you but a parasite. I saw how I didn’t want to be. The friend I saw in the morning was someone that I met in treatment this time round. She’s an amazing person, strong, powerful, has a wonderful heart and she’s doing ok. She threw herself into her treatment and her recovery and now she is building a life that doesn’t include Anorexia. Whilst we were talking, we were also talking about the other people that we were in treatment with. Checking in with who we had seen or hadn’t, if we’d heard how people are doing…it was hard when we talked about those that are going back into hospital or those that still are remaining on the roundabout, lying to themselves about the reality of their situation. It’s just an incredibly sad thing isn’t it? The repetition, the endlessness of it and ultimately the pointlessness of it. I think of what my life could look like and I want to choose that. I want adventures and laughing and education and work and play and friends…those things are not going to happen if I relapse. I’ll be honest as well that its possible that I’ve been heading that way. My diet is becoming very similar to how it was pre-treatment and for the first time in a while that doesn’t feel ok to me. It’s not ok, not even a little bit. I can tell myself that it doesn’t matter as much as I want and try to minimise it but that’s not real. It matters. The fact that I could screw everything up again matters.
The second friend I saw, well…she reminded me that this illness is not what I want. She isn’t doing too great. I met her the first time I was in treatment and over the years I have watched the Eating Disorder reduce her and I want to pull her away from it. I want to protect her from it before it ends her life. I worry that it will take her and I want to scream that it can’t. She’s too good of a person for this. She deserves better. I see her fight to get through the days and hold on to her positivity and she does but that doesn’t make it fine. I admire her for fighting it but equally I don’t want to go there again. I don’t want to be that bone tired and hurt ever again in my life. Anorexia is not a fashion statement or a bikini ready body but a complete wasting of everything. I wish people could see that when they make their judgements, when they think it’s as simple as eating a slice of cake and putting on a bit of weight. No one chooses this. I didn’t choose this. My friends did not choose this. We are choosing recovery though because if we don’t…if we continue or you continue then we are essentially just waiting to die. There is no life.
I’m trying to hold on to that thing that made me say Yes to treatment, that moment in the middle of an event when I looked up at my manager last August, barely able to keep myself upright anymore and said “I can’t do this”. I don’t want to relive that moment ever again. I can’t.
I hope your day has been kind to you.