Practical support is kicking my ass these days…although admittedly it is early days. I have done 4 now. One snack and three lunches. I should probably explain what practical is right? Well, basically a member of my treatment team comes round and supports me to have food either at a snack time or they will come and have lunch with me. I think they totally pulled the short straw in terms of work because it seems that they don’t actually get a lunch hour. The thing is that I expected it to be hard the first time or having a snack when I don’t usually have one but today I had my third lunch with my dietician and it really hurt. Not physically…but mentally. You see even though I knew things were slipping and getting worse, I hadn’t really realised if I’m honest. It’s easy to convince yourself that it’s sort of fine when it’s just you and you’re not paying attention. There is no one to call me out on my shit and so I fall back into what’s normal and unfortunately for me, the Eating Disorder is normal. It’s not coming back suddenly this time, kicking and spitting in my face, no…this time it’s creeping in quietly. If a person recovery is classed as a warrior then maybe that makes Anorexia a ninja…I don’t know who is more likely to win. Anyway my lunch, she noticed that I was using certain behaviours which were consistent with the ones that my nurse pointed out to my last week (Go Treatment Team for being on the same page!). Then I was supposed to have another component to my meal but couldn’t do it. I wanted to tell her that I knew I was being ridiculous but it was a like a shutter came down. It wasn’t even something that was up for discussion. I felt like I had failed her, that I had failed me and that maybe the situation was simply hopeless. Do I really believe that I can get better? I don’t know. I’m less sure than I have been in a while which is saying something.
I feel like I am drifting right now but being annoyingly busy. I don’t know how to just be…I got in tonight after group, having attempted articulate to some extent what I’ve been experiencing (apparently I have lost sight of my reality a little and I agree a bit with that) and signed up to an online course that a friend told me about. I barely have any free time and I’m going to do this!!! What is wrong with me? Am I just purposefully trying to run myself into the ground again? It’s so hard to find balance in life and yet I can’t seem to make myself stop. I think it’s equally that I am afraid of being still but also that I have lost years of my life to disorder and destruction and now I have to make up for all that I have missed in less than half the time.
Insane days start tomorrow and somehow I am going to have to mange and get through it and not let Anorexia beat the crap out of me. Fun, right?
I hope you are being good to yourselves.