There are cracks appearing and some days I think they are going to split wide open and swallow me up. There are some that I have been trying to paper over but I realise that it’s not realistic to expect it to last. Sooner or later I’m going to fall in if I’m not careful. I keep slipping up, saying things that I want to keep unsaid and then I wonder why I want them left unsaid. The only answer is that it’s probably not me that wants the quiet but the Eating Disorder instead. It’s always wanted my silence. It made promises that if I just kept my mouth shut then I would lose weight, nobody would get hurt, it would all be fine in the end. Clearly it wasn’t fine and by the third hospital admission I began to doubt if there was any truth at all in it. So why knowing this, do I still find myself falling for it again? For feeling bad when I talk, or guilty for being honest. My nurse thinks that it’s because the Eating Disorder is raging in my brain and as much as I hate to admit, potentially could be right.
I fell apart yesterday. I think part of it was tiredness and the lack of sleep that lingered from the night before. I went to my group which I wasn’t exactly looking forward to. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to formulate a sentence but I figured that I could go and just fade into the background. Unfortunately those plans were royally ruined when I turned up and no one else did. My group turned into one to one with the only saving grace being that it was my nurse who was facilitating the group. I let it go. I told her that things were hard, that I didn’t know how to keep fighting anymore, that sometimes my brain leaves and goes to a place where the only thought that is there is “What is the point?”. I told her that things were going out of my diet faster than I could keep up. That the rules were coming back but that it was all fine because I was maintaining my weight even though I hated it. I started to cry and then apologised for crying. I still equate it as weakness in myself, that I don’t have the right to cry over something that feels like my fault no matter how much education or insight I have. The thing is though is that my nurse is really good at her job. She asked me to try and distinguish between what were Eating Disorder thoughts and what were my thoughts. She reminded that I have done this before, several times and it never got me anywhere other than back in the hospital and I didn’t want that. I don’t want that. I don’t even want to imagine the possibility of going back. She told me that I had just had to get one thing back to how it was a couple of weeks ago and that I didn’t have to do it all at once. All I could tell her that was that I felt guilty and wrong for eating, and guilty and wrong for restricting and I was so very tired of feeling both things. Her response was that the longer that I leave it, the more I give into the disordered thoughts, and keeping searching for the temporary quiet that restriction brings, the harder it’s going to grip on to me and come back swinging twice as hard and twice as fast…and she’s right. If I keep listening to what the Eating Disorder is telling me then what has all this been for?
One of the things that she has asked me to do is to trust them. Trust them the with my diet and follow their meal plan without tweaking or trying to change it. Trust them that they will help me maintain my weight and not let me gain out of my target range. Trust that they are not the enemy.
I don’t know if I know how to. It might be stupidity or ego or that sense of knowing better that stops me. However I am also aware that doing it my way never achieved anything either. I haven’t it done it their way. I never gave them chance to prove me wrong. Maybe it’s time I tried, otherwise I may as well just walk away now.