It’s possible I’m experiencing random manic mini breakdowns every now and again lately. I’m not sure what comes over me but suddenly feel this need to be a certain way, overcompensate with the smiles so that no one can quite figure out how much I’m hurting inside. It’s not ideal and I think I may have pushed the boundaries today. I went to my group as usual but I was the only one there. The dietician who was running it said that I could use the space however I wanted to, which was a little directionless for me but I tried to go with. There has been a series on the TV for the last few weeks that I have been watching called ‘The truth about…sugar/calories/fat (three separate episodes)’ and they have left me somewhat confused and left the Eating Disordered part of my brain raging in turmoil. All the rules that I had, the things I believed or made me feel safe were questioned in these programmes and I’ll be honest I feel lost. What’s more is that I am disappointed in myself for feeling that way because I shouldn’t. I should not be trying to live by a set of rules that have brought me nothing but misery. So I told her this but I don’t think I was really wanting an answer or at least not the answer she gave me which was basically her telling me that this is why recovery is about trying to move away from the rules and numbers that a person can get stuck in. We moved on from that and I was trying to explain to her how I can’t justify having something I deem to be higher in fat for both my main meal and for dessert. It would have been understandable if the argument was about something that the whole world thinks isn’t great but it wasn’t. I don’t really want to say what the foods were here because I think I could be triggering for some people so I will just say that it ended up with me, saying I was being ridiculous, laughing about it, badly changing the subject and simply saying “Ok that was great, thanks, I’m going to go now…I’ll see you around” and then getting up and walking out the door. It wasn’t good guys. I’m freaking out generally.
I want it to be simple. I want to stop my brain from arguing itself all the time because I am knackered from all this excessive thinking but that can’t happen. Even if I walked away from recovery it’s not going to happen because the Eating Disorder will still exist. I hate that it exists. I want to be mad at it. I want to be so angry that I kick it in the face and never entertain it again but I fear that it’s always going to have its little claws in me and make me trip myself up all the time. When does it get easier?
I hope your day has been kind to you.