I’ve had a lot on my mind these last few days and too often I find my thoughts are wondering to places that it probably shouldn’t go. I keep getting lost in the past and how things once were, the things that I used to do, the life that I used to live and every time I go there I feel like I am being punched in the heart. The other day I was making dinner and all of a sudden it was suddenly a few years earlier and all I could think was “What are you doing? This is completely against the rules. This is not your dinner”. I forgot that I don’t live by those rules anymore and neither do I eat the foods that I used to eat. Then I think of the foods that I used to eat and can’t figure out how I ever came to eat that way. Warm lettuce with HP sauce? tinned carrots with ketchup? What the hell was I thinking? Yet I can’t help but miss the simplicity it sometimes offered me. There was no room for deviation, no thought of trying to think of something new to eat, it was just the way it was and I accepted it. Fully. I made everyone else believe that it was normal and that I was normal. Did I really have them fooled or was I just scaring them into going along with everything because they were afraid of losing me? Then today I was doing my usual drive over the moors and I really considered spending a day, eating the way that I used to just to see if my body could do it. I think my twisted curiosity or need to pick holes in what is left of me is making this recovery thing a lot harder and tiring than it need be. It is bloody difficult right now to really remember how miserable I was. I doubt it. I doubt me. I doubt my memories. I am sad for a time that sometimes I wonder if I’m making up or making it worse than it was. I especially find this true for some of the darker times in my life when I was a completely different person. There was a time when I couldn’t contain myself at all and all I would do is scream, run away and try to die, fighting anyone who tried to stop me. That person seems so far away and yet it’s like she is locked in me, buried under the Anorexia and still screaming. All I want is to shut her up once and for all but I don’t know how. The closest I came to making her quiet was when my body finally started to fail.
Honestly I feel stuck or like I’m waiting for something that changes all this. I had an appointment with my nurse today and she asked me who was I talking to. Who was I being honest with without having the need to backtrack or minimise. All I could tell her was that I was bored of saying I wasn’t ok and therefore couldn’t and didn’t want to do it anymore…yet it is the one thing that I said I would do in regards to relapse prevention. I just feel uncomfortable to right now with it all and I am trying but it’s not ok with me. I want to bury it all and pretend it’s not happening. I did tell her though that I don’t trust them or me when it comes to my meal plans. She told me that I needed to figure out where that was coming from. Was it me who didn’t trust or was it the Eating Disorder? Apparently I need to separate my thoughts from the disorder thoughts, which in theory sounds simple but it’s not because I don’t know where one ends and the other begins. Repeatedly I find myself asking what is real? Every time though I come up without answers.
I’m struggling. My soul is not doing so great. I miss something that tried to kill me. I want to hide for a while…
I hope your day has been kind to you.