There are some days when it feels like my body is struggling to keep up with me. I don’t trust it. I don’t like that it aches and sighs still. I want to yell at it that I have given it everything needs these last few months to be normal and heal, what more can I do? Wasn’t that the point of recovery and of refeeding? To make my body healthy so that I can go about my days without having to pause and catch my breath. I never considered that it might not be enough, that even weight restoration might not make my body forgive me completely for all that I have done to it. If I was in a better frame of mind I would use this as motivation to say “Ok, it’s not there yet but I’m going to keep going and sooner or later it will be fine. I’m going to keep going because clearly the balance that it needs has still not been restored”. However I am not in the best frame of mind these days and me attempting to cling on to recovery and continuously being frustrated by my body makes me want to say “Screw it then, if what I was trying to achieve still hasn’t happened then what’s the point? What is the point of putting myself through this constant mental battle to not get the one thing (healthy body) that made me enter treatment in the first place!”. I am edging closer to the point where I alienate my body again because at least when I was destroying it, I was expecting it to hurt. If I couldn’t catch my breath, if my heart palpitated or my muscles ached or my joints screamed then at least I knew it was because I was living in a starved mode. I could rationalise it. I understood it.
I don’t understand this. I don’t know what my body is trying to tell me. I have this feeling that something is wrong but I can’t put my finger on what that thing is. I know that part of it will always be my fault. I get damaged far too easily purely because I am accident prone. I tend to just do stupid things but the consequences never seem to be straightforward. I feel like I have screwed up and all the signals that my body tries to give me now for either illness or injury get lost and or I can’t interpret them anymore because I am so used to suppressing everything. Do I count this as another repercussion of my Eating Disorder? The list continues to keep on growing. It is times such as this when I hate that I ever engaged in the first place and it’s hard to remind myself that I did not choose this life. I did not choose an Eating Disorder. It is beyond difficult to let myself believe that it isn’t my fault. I campaign to challenge those judgements and yet I am the most judgemental person of all when it comes to myself.
So for now I wait and hope that this passes and that this off feeling I have begins to lessen.
I hope your day is good to you.