This week was the Anniversary of my Aunts death. It’s always a hard week…remembering her, remembering how we all began to fracture after she was gone. You see she was the other side of my Mum and without her the balance of our family was thrown off. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if she’d have lived. Would everything have gone down the way it did? Would we all be a little less broken? She was a good person and completely about living in the moment. Broken hearts, hard done by parents, lost, confused…these were her departments. She died so suddenly and I didn’t know how to process it, none of us did. How could a person be so present one moment and then dying from a brain haemorrhage the next? It’s one of those things that you don’t think will ever happen to your family but then it does and whatever little trust you had in the world begins to diminish. How are you supposed to believe that the universe won’t hurt you when it does something like that?
I miss her.
They say that time heals these things, that grief eventually subsides. It doesn’t. Not really. You begin to remember how to breathe again and you figure out how to get through the days without shattering but that missing someone feeling doesn’t ever lessen. It’s been 12 years and there are days when I want to cry because I can’t remember the sound of her voice the way I once I could. I look at my little brother who wasn’t quite two years old when she died and I feel sad for him that he will never have the chance to know her. I think sometimes I am trying to be for him what she was to us. A safe place, an escape, a patient ear and a love that was unquestionable. When I think like that, my mind does travel to my Eating Disorder. I think of how I came close to not being here anymore myself and I wonder if I could put my brother through that. To have his faith in the world destroyed so young. I wonder if he would have the same questions in the next decade about what would have happened if I’d have lived. He would have to live with a family who were broken further by my absence and I don’t want to imagine that future for him. I don’t want him to feel even a little bit of loss just yet. He is growing up but he is still a kid and a kid who has already been through so much. So I suppose on the days that I don’t want to do recovery for me then I must do it for him. I must choose life for him.
I hope your day has been kind to you.