It has been crossing my mind lately to let go of my anonymity on here. It feels like I am having to censor myself to some degree because I don’t want to be stumbled upon by someone who might know me and yet it doesn’t feel true to me, hiding this way. There are some days where I wish I could just give the people who are supposed to be helping me a link to this blog and say this is where I am. This is what I’m thinking. Yet I can’t bring myself to. I don’t think I’ve had an honest conversation with someone in a few weeks now. I keep telling them I’m fine even when I sit there unable to stop the tears. I’m not even properly crying! It’s ridiculous. One of my nurses came to see me the other day and all she could say to me was that I looked so sad but that it will get better. Everyone keeps saying how I’ll get through this, or that they’re proud of me and I want to scream at them to be quiet. I don’t want them to be proud because I don’t want recovery. I don’t want to hate myself this much even though I know going back will probably make me hate myself even more…
What are you left with when you want neither the sickness nor the cure? When you don’t think the ‘recovered’ bit will ever come?
You want to hear what’s messed up though? My intake hasn’t been exactly great (It’s not been terrible) and yet I am maintaining my weight. Suddenly there is this panic that I have forgotten how to make myself less, or that I have been foolish to believe that I needed as much as what everyone thought I did. Clearly I don’t. Am I making excuses so I don’t I have to challenge myself? Is that all I’m doing here, letting the Anorexia get into my head and twist my thinking so far backwards that I don’t even know what is true anymore?
I’m so scared that this is my life and it isn’t enough for me. Being in this in-between state is not ok. I don’t want to be this person and it’s breaking my heart that I am. I feel so alone.
I hope your day has been kind to you.