I did something stupid this morning and weighed myself. It shouldn’t matter what the number says but it did and it hurt. Automatically the Anorexic voice started to kick in and it was like it had me pinned in a moment where all I could feel was how much I hated myself and that I had to change something. It’s probably the first time since treatment that I have felt it this strongly running through me and this time it was harder to fight because I had no one there telling me I still had to eat. It was something I was going to have to do myself. More than anything I wanted to go back to bed and just hide there till it stopped but I had plans to see a friend, have lunch and buy a new dress for a TV piece that I’m doing on Tuesday. All challenging on the best of days so doubly hard today. Yet I got myself dressed and ate my breakfast and went and met my friend. I can’t let this disorder strip anything else from me and so I did the things that I did not want to do. We had lunch. I bought a dress. I smiled even though I wanted to scream. It was difficult to not restrict today, to not revert back to something that felt familiar and safe. For the most part I didn’t…For the most I stuck to my meal plan and as people keep telling me I have to trust in that plan. I keep trying to do this whole recovery thing in the hope that one day it will feel normal but I don’t know how long that’s going to take and I am so worried that I am going to relapse before I even experience what that feels like. I need to be able to see that all this is worth something, that all this pain that I have been in and currently am in will be worth it. Recovery will be worth the tears, exhaustion and despair that the process causes. I wish I could see that as a truth and not just some abstract idea.