Do you ever find that when it comes to your Eating Disorder you feel like you’re splitting? One minute you can be this totally calm and rational person and then the next you believe all sorts of nonsense. When I am in between meals or at the end of the day when I have eaten all that I need to, it is easier for me to see that me thinking something terrible will happen because of food is kind of ridiculous. Yet in the lead up, in the moment and for about an hour afterwards, there is not a second where I feel calm. It’s like I’m waiting for something bad to happen so I can say “See!!! I was right. I can’t eat. I told you!”. What is it about this disorder which reduces me to thinking like a child who cannot be reasoned with? This disorder is so much about survival but I am not talking about mine. It’s about the disorder surviving when you decide to fight back. I know that it has altered my thinking over the years in an attempt to keep a hold of me. When one theory I had was disproved, it grasped on to another and that process kept repeating. Now I have the imprints left of those thoughts but don’t quite believe them enough for them to make me back away completely. Is this the best that I can hope for? Living with scar like reminders. I really hope not. It hurts me to acknowledge the idea that I want more than that…it’s not something that I usually do or at least not fully. I have always felt that if you let yourself be open to that, then if it doesn’t work out it is much more painful. I wonder though now, how much of that unwillingness to accept that I want more has fuelled how strongly Anorexia has managed to keep hold of me. Maybe that’s where I’ve been going wrong and my attempt at protecting myself by lowering my expectations has not really protected me at all.
I Suppose that’s probably something I should think about.
It has been quite hard these last couple of weeks. I haven’t really seen anyone in my care team since my discharge so I have all these thoughts and questions bouncing around in my head and I have no one to take them to, so they are growing. The only time I can be fine is when I’m working. Even that’s a challenge at the moment because I saw something which then triggered a memory, which created a thought, which made me question my work and now it’s making me feel not very pleasant. I’ve seen it grow and know that if I don’t get a grip on it soon, it will continue to change again in to something else.
I think I’m driving myself up the wall.
Sorry for just throwing some random thoughts at you.
I hope your day has been kind to you.