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I’ve Wasted It

Discharge is getting closer, 3 days to be more precise and it feels like I am tearing at the seams. This body that is now mine feels too big to contain me and I continuously get lost in it. There is hate running through me all the time and I cannot for the life of me lessen it or make it stop because the only way that I have ever been able to do that is control what I eat. I am supposed to be recovering and going back to forcing that number on a scale down will not bring me any closer to it. I despise that part of myself that only knows how to cope that way but I also miss it for it’s simplicity. That was all I had to do, all I had to focus on, the fact that I was actively doing something to change my way in an attempt to make myself more acceptable somehow made things more manageable or at least I could lie to myself that that’s what I was doing. I don’t know how to lie to myself anymore. It is true that I am highly self-aware and throughout my admission that has been seen as a good thing, it means that I was able to critically at times see what the Eating Disorder for what it is. However there are times when I think that that level of self-awareness is not so great. There is never a time when I am not questioning what I am doing or what I am thinking. I am throwing myself into this new life and I doubt every moment of it. I doubt that I am up to scratch to succeed it.

I’ll be honest with you guys, I don’t know how I keep this going after I’m discharged. I don’t know how I sustain my weight, sustain my intake, sustain my participation in life. People think that I am strong enough but I am not. I never have been. That’s why time and time again I end up here, hospitalised for whatever reason. I don’t deal with what happens to me, I run away, I hide behind behaviours, I hide behind the need for destruction. How can anyone call me strong when I have been broken by everything? If I had been then I wouldn’t have buried all that happened. They all think that I survived through so much, and they are convinced that I will survive this. I want to scream at them that I didn’t survive. That person that they keep referring to never survived their childhood and everything that happened afterwards…the only thing that was left. I don’t even know what you would call me anymore. I don’t feel whole enough to be a person.

I want to collapse. I want to not have to fight anymore to just hold it all inside of me. My nurse the other day told me that I was allowed to be emotional in front of her and all I could say was “No, no I am not allowed”. I stopped my tears, even when she told me that I had to believe her that I did not deserve this. It was not my fault that I was sick. It will always feel like my fault. It will always feel like I wasted so much. Last night I was at home, watching some stupid movie and everyone was living happily ever after and it hurt me because I’ve wasted my life to this disorder. Instead of living, I have been trying to die. Instead of building a family and a career and a future, I have been stockpiling one disaster after the next. Instead of feeling motivated though, I feel like I am paralysed by it. It’s all twisting me up inside and instead of asking for help…all I can think to do is to close down.

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2 thoughts on “I’ve Wasted It

  1. Before reading this post I read a quote saying ‘no matter how far you go in the wrong direction, there’s always a chance to turn your life around’. It might be hard to believe, but there’s years ahead that don’t need to feel ‘wasted’. Life can change if you really want it to 🙂 xxxxx stay strong xxxx

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