Apparently this week, is nearly break me, bring me to my knees challenge week. I don’t know what I was thinking when I chose my menus but clearly it was not thought through enough. I guess part of me could have been thinking that this is very nearly the end of my time here and I need to do as much as I can before I leave and my motto through this entire process has been “Go hard or go home”. It would seem inappropriate if I didn’t follow through with that to the end. Although I do see now that there is a fine line between going hard and just pure self-torture. After yesterday and the endless onslaught of food and this mornings weigh in…I don’t know how I still managed to stand by the end of it and be an engaged human being. Yet I did. I guess I’m figuring out how to bounce back faster from the takedowns. I’m beginning to think that I am potentially more resilient than I thought and even when it seems like I can’t take anymore, sometimes I can.
Reaching my target weight was hard for me and now that I am falling into the middle of that range I have to admit it’s making me uncomfortable. My head runs to the possibility of restricting, to make it into something more comfortable but I know that that is something I can’t do. I screwed around in the last weeks of my previous admission and set myself up to not be able to sustain it, I am not prepared to do the same again this time. I want to be well and hold on to working towards a life that doesn’t involve my Eating Disorder. I guess I’m just trying to rationalise with a lot of things at the moment and it does take a fair bit of energy. Yet the only way I make it get to the point where it doesn’t hurt so much is to just keep going. I think that’s the thing about recovery, even when it hurts more than words could ever come close to describing, the only way to stop it is to make it hurt even more for a while.
I have one week left of treatment but really only 3 days in treatment as I’ll be on leave from tomorrow till Monday. I’ve got to make it count and do all that I need to do. It’s not the end, I know that but I want to give myself the best beginning I can manage.
I hope your day has been kind to you.