For me so much of my recovery has been about conflict. Each day brings with it that constant pull between wanting to get better and wanting to throw myself so deep into the disorder that I am not even capable of remembering my own name. In the beginning it was the conflict between admitting I was unwell but wanting to say that I was fine, as the disorder progressed it became about choosing whether or not to live or die and by the time I entered into recovery that first time round the conflict became about deciding whether or not I wanted to be well. That last one…that still exists. I know that I miss my life. I miss working and studying. I miss my friends. I miss the projects that I began and now feel are slipping through my fingertips because this whole experience of treatment is taking far longer than any of us predicted. I miss using my brain in a way that doesn’t involve and in-depth analysis of what I think or feel. Yet I still cling to the disorder and pretend that there is still a decision to make. I still have to decide whether I want recovery. I do…I really do but then I also don’t. Whenever I am faced with just the idea of food, I want to runaway. I get so overwhelmed by choosing my menus that it makes me never want to eat again. I wonder how do people do this everyday? Every time I accept that I have to eat there is a feeling that tells me that I am wrong for doing do. I think I spent so many years brainwashing myself, convincing myself that my body needs the smallest amount of nutrition to survive that now it is hard to shake off that feeling that a normal intake is too much. Yet hasn’t my body shown me repeatedly that it can’t handle having so little? I broke my body and soul so much by trying to adhere to that belief and it is only going to be when I stop thinking like that that I will actually be able to heal properly. So why can’t I stop thinking like that? Why is there still conflict within my heart when it comes to Anorexia?
I am torn in a million different directions at the moment. Each way pulls at me and yet they are all interlinked. If I eat, then it implies this…which then means that…and that then equals this…
I am learning that the war I began with my body maybe doesn’t have an origin as such. I hated it and tried to change it for reasons that are still coming to light and each time this new information appears I become more transfixed by how complicated the disorder can be. This running dialogue which makes me dream of silence is possibly a survival mechanism of the Eating Disorder. If I run myself into the ground so much by thinking about it, if I fight with it, if it doesn’t let me go then at some point I am going to ask for mercy. I am going to give in because the tiredness will be too much to cope with. It pains me to know this and also to know that I have to do everything to stop that from happening otherwise I don’t stand a chance.
How can I want such different things at exactly the same time?
I hope your day is being good to you.