Every now and again I try to picture what life is going to look like after here. I try to imagine a life without Anorexia, and whether I like to admit it or not, I don’t think I can. For so long this is all I have known. I think of a life without my Eating Disorder, my restriction, my rules, my fears and all I am left with is this black hole of nothing. When a life without is so unknown, is it any wonder that it’s hard to move on? Yet I know that if I don’t begin to look at things differently I will find myself falling into relapse. Repeatedly.
So I am trying to remember the way things were before and why I decided to come back into treatment. I have to remember all the nights I prayed for it to end. How the only thing I ever wanted was to be healthy and for my body to not hurt. I have to remember how alone it felt all those days and nights after I had shut everyone out. I have to remember how easily I swayed, how fragile I felt, how all I ever felt like I was waiting for was my heart to fail. I have to not forget all the times the Eating Disorder made me say no, or how many lies that I told, or how many plans I failed to follow through. I have to remember how much it hurt to write that email, explaining that I had to withdraw from my education or the look of disappointment on everyone’s face when I said I had to come back. I have to remember I was wear and getting weaker, not strong. I have to remember that I was dying and that that is something that I stopped wanting a long time ago.
If you are forgetting why you chose recovery, then think about it too. Remember why you made your choice to fight back.
I hope your day has been good to you.